10/365 (Dizzy)

spin
spin
spin
smile
try to remember those days
and hold on

9/365

How do you get past being self-conscious? I want to start a project, one that encompases my photography and poetry, but I am a little intimidated by the process. Getting it started is not the issue, I have already done that. It is more an issue of showing it to others and leaving it open for the opinions that follow.

It seems silly to me that I would even allow doubt to be an issue here. I am trying to go back to grad school and that is not the least bit intimidating, even coupling it with a change in career. Showing people my poetry, especially coupled with photography is hooking me up. I hate to think that for even a moment I would start shooting with the idea of what other people will see or write with any worry of how other will accept it- I would just stop both or second guess myself into the grave.

Ripples

The water is poured and the glass is placed.
I notice the water drops on the counter.
The light marks the space and small colours appear.

I listen to what you tell me

and see that everything has changed.
The water and the light whisper it to me
while I try to stay in my seat.

8/365

Because I am uncomfortable on Facebook I tend to post very impersonal things. At least to those who read them they must seem quite impersonal. I usually post about what I made for dinner, which for some reason people seem to enjoy. Tonight's post was-

Bits and pieces soup- cranberry beans, farro, mirepoix, and ham finished with cheese according to individual taste (pecorino, ricotta ensalda or mozzarella). Rosemary bread and blue cheese.

The fact is, you can tell a lot about my day by what I cook. Lots of ingredients or something that needs a lot of prep means I have had at least a couple of great days and lots of energy. Roast chicken means I want homemade food but I don't have the energy to chop or prep anything. Delivery pizza... I have no interest in food at all but the kids are hungry.

Tonight was cabinet soup. Make something out of whatever is around. I want to eat at home, I don't want to leave the comfort of my living room. I need a rest and real food.

I guess nothing is what it seems. Nothing is impersonal, just interpretive.

7/365 (Distraction)

There is no escape from distraction for me anymore. Every time I try to do something or think in a straight line I am derailed by one thing or another. This is an endlessly frustrating challenge for me. I find it draining and tiring and after a day of it I have no patience. Phones always ring the moment I have my hands full doing something that requires my full attention. The exact moment I decide to start a knitting project and need to count stitches and lay a correct foundation for it someone in the house decides that now is the time they need a question answered in the other room.

I end up having to do the same things over and over and over again because I get interrupted and distracted all the damn time. If something takes more than 30 minutes it will never get finished. How could it? Everyone has something that needs my attention now. They know that this is the 12th time I have started and pulled out the same knitting because of repeated interruptions but they just keep coming at me. I put my project down until everyone is doing something engrossing in hopes of having a few minutes to do something... but no. Suddenly someone needs something right this moment.

Argh!

5/365

On this 5th day I will invoke my right to not incriminate myself.

4/365

I listened to a podcast from the SF Zen Center, today. It was by my favorite lecturer, Christina Lehrner. She was asking the kids in the audience to remember what it felt like, physically, to be happy or sad or angry. I listened while I was cooking dinner and the whole time I was feeling all of these different things. It was all very absorbing and I didn't realize that Declan was listening, too. He came to be with me and started talking about what he was hearing and about what love feels like to him- warm and snuggly. He stayed to make the lasagna with me.

Christina asked her listeners to start the day with a positive thought and to end it with a loving, reflective one. I will end mine with thoughts of lovely, 5 year old snuggly hugs over lasagna. It does not get better than that!

3/365

I took this over the summer. Cameron and Úna spent half an hour just lying there, talking about nothing, telling silly jokes, Úna letting Cameron get the tangles out of her hair. That little moment made me ache with happiness. It takes such trust and comfort to let someone play with y0ur hair or to talk while resting your head on someone's shoulders in the sun.

Watching them I thought of a moment I witnessed when I was 16. Several of my friends and I were waiting outside a church in Lake Tahoe in the middle of the night, in the snow and cold waiting to be let in. My friend Laura was leaned up against her brother Greg while he leaned on the porch railing. He had his arms around her to keep her warm and she kept talking to me like this was no big thing. I was so aware in that moment that the only thing I felt I was really missing in life was a sibling that would drive me crazy until that moment I was cold and needed someone to put their arms around me to keep me warm. A big brother who would be there when I needed him.

I never had siblings. My kids do. It was the least and the best thing I could provide them.