I Am Wrong!

It's been awhile. Many things have happened and now it is time to move on. Here is something worth thinking about.

Comparisons

As people try to survive the unimaginable in conditions straight from the part of Hell reserved for those who did nothing worse than live, there are those who think the rest of the world was made for their convenience.

This man yelled his way out of a much deserved ticket and then came back into the cafe to gloat over his victory.

To the people of Japan, and Haiti and Libia... I apologize that the people of my country frequently show such little respect for life. Such little awareness of how lucky they are to live here. Such minuscule regard for even the most basic aspect of civilized behavior.

The Return

Been gone for a bit. Now I am back, having thought of a great many things. For now, though, just pictures.

I am not sure what I would do without my camera anymore. Taking pictures is really just a different way of having a conversation with myself.

The light brings perspective, the colour demands attention, the table brings back memories. Why record what I see? Is this something I should let happen and fall away or is this a moment I want to remember? What is it that draws me to this moment in the first place? Why did I see what I saw and why does it speak to me?

Today it was the light. It felt like a lifeline in a place where one was greatly needed. Beauty and warmth and life were pouring through the window and it was magic. Magic I could put into my camera to save for later.

39/365 (work in progress)

37/365

#5- How Do I Want To Be Different Because I Lived In This World?

It is suggested that I make a list of things I want to do while I am alive. I used to have a list of things I wanted to do- travel, go to medical school, learn to paint in France... Nowadays, I don't have much of a list. I am not sure what I want, with the exception of a few things

1) Touch a glacier. A big glacier. Preferably I would like to kayak up to a great, huge glacier and touch it.

2) I would like to travel in Italy by myself. Not the whole country, per se, but a few cities that I could spend some time in and be a part of for a brief time. I would like to be "Adrienne" in an Italian city, not "Cameron's Mom" or "James' Wife" in an Italian city.

3) Go to Graduate School and actually know something about something. No stupid Business degree, though.

I hope that by the time I die that I am a larger person than I am now. A grander person. Someone who has seen life in all its permutations and wants to see more. A person who is alive until I am dead.

35/365

#5- How Do I Want The World To Be Different Because I Lived In It?

The world is automatically different because I live in it than it would be if I had never existed. My children are my single greatest contribution to it. Beyond that, I don't know. Perhaps to live a life without regret, without contributing to the worsening of the world, in accord with my spirit and not at the whim of others. That isn't as simple as it sounds, by the way.

So much of daily life adversely impacts people we never meet. The organic cotton t-shirt we bought on sale at the cute boutique in whatever chic part of town was still most likely made in a sweatshop by someone, possibly a child, who makes fifty cents a day in Jordan. The gas that powered the truck that brought my farm fresh radishes from the farm in Marin to the Ferry Building in SF is the same gas that is killing us all as we use it all up to get to work on the other side of nowhere. The laptop I use to write this post is about to die, and even though I will try to find an e-waste company to take it, fact is it will most likely end up poisoning the water supply of a village in Ghana.

So I try to buy clothes second hand and reuse everything I can, recycle what I can not. I try to buy my food from people in California. I try not to drive. I try to make what I need, and to need less. I try to teach my children a different way, to understand that their choices impact the lives of people they will never see. I try to live a life of less impact and more conviction and joy.

Then again, I still shop at Target and I have a Costco card.

34/365

#4 Why do I like (what I like) more than I like (what I am supposed to like)?

Oh boy. There are so many things I could put in those blanks. What comes to mind right this moment is-

I like the quiet moments where the world is still a beautiful and amazing place way more than I like your IPad.

33/365

No questions. Just statements.

Hers was the call that galvanized it all. Never sit when you can stand on your own feet, never accept degradation from anyone, never be less than you are because of the actions of others. Believe, stand, hold fast, breath.

32/365

#3- Why worry?

While I can be counted on to be the Voice of Doom, I am not a worrier. At some point when I was very young I found out that worrying was not worth the energy, especially when there was a world full of worrisome crap swirling around me for most of my childhood. I knew that thinking about something endlessly would not make it happen.

"Why feel defeated?" would be a better question for me. Feeling like I am a failure, defeated, whatever word you can put in there, is where I get tripped up. It isn't the failure that I find difficult, it is the feeling of failure I need to work on.

Where do we pick this stuff up from?

30/365

I have run upon 20 questions that I am supposed to ask myself. Sure. Why not? One a day for the next 20 days then.

#1- What Questions Should I Be Asking Myself?

I suppose it depends on the situation, but in this greater life sense I will have to think about it a bit. One thing is clear, I need to question my current path. I have become a drifter and seem to be floating in an eddy . Sometimes a little drifting gives you the rest you need to paddle back out into the current, but sometimes you get stuck in the mud of the shallows and you have to get out and push to get going again.

Am I where I am supposed to be? Am I letting myself bob along the edge of the river so long I am becoming skittish about diving back in? Are some of the things I see coming things I am trying to hide from? When was the last time I really engaged the world around me in an energetic and truly enthusiastic manner?

Those seem like enough questions for today. There will be others tomorrow. I will find myself doing something that will require new questions to be answered.

29/365

There is much I have wanted to write about the past few days, but much has kept me away from the keyboard. Typing has become one of the daily tasks I have that has become quite painful, along with cleaning, food prep and bicycle riding. My hands, especially my index fingers have become so swollen and painful that I find myself rationing my activities to make sure that the most important things get done first. Personal writing does not rank very high on the list, no matter how much I love to do it. Making sure there is dinner on the table seems to be a more pressing concern.

Moving forward in life I can see that this is going to become an increasingly more difficult dilemma to negotiate. The demands of family and the world around me are so loud and insistent and, ultimately, not possible to ignore. If I am committed to a life without driving then the lovely long rides through the country side or the crazy social rides through town that I have enjoyed for the last few years are not really possible. If I must answer a dozen emails in an hour I can not then write about my thoughts on fear today. The bathroom needs to be scrubbed which means the living room can not be vacuumed.

With what appears to be increasing limitations on what my hands can do, how do I find space for the things I love? How do I keep from becoming bitter over what I must do?

26/365

Sometimes there is nothing to say.

25/365 (PM thoughts)

Here we are. It is 11:30 at night and I just rode 20+ miles up and down hills around San Francisco. I am tired and my mind is blissfully blank as it usually is after a good, hard ride. The stars were out, the air was clear. Life is good.

25/365

When power leads man towards arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations.

When power narrows the area of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of existence.

When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.

- John F. Kennedy

24/365

Flu.
It drags me down.
My only friend, the couch.
There is no call from the
sunny world outside
that speaks as sweetly
as my lovely sofa
which promises
horizontal comfort and
healing naps.

22/365

This day, last year. Turns out it was a really amazing day! After talking about not being nostalgic yesterday, I thought it might be fun to see if I experienced something I wanted to hold on to. This was just after some huge storms had shut down the Great Highway to car traffic. After 5 storms in a row and a couple more on the way we were stir crazy and needed to get out and have some fun. The air smelled clean and the light was amazing and all of San Francisco was out in the sand just happy to not be stuck inside.

The rest of the set is here.

22/365

19/365

18/365

Classes started yesterday, but I have not been given a registration time as yet. Another semester of not being able to start what I want. In the past this would have been enough to kill my motivation, these days, though, I have enough going on that contributes to my future that I can be patient.

I sometimes wonder about the things that seem like obstacles. Are they meant to stop us, or are they there to challenge us and what we think we want? If I am going to get back into school I am going to have to really want it. Every step of the way there will be mountains to climb, just getting in will be the first. It is better to know now how much I want to achieve this goal instead of getting half way through and realize it is not what I want and quit (something that has huge consequences in the future should I ever try again to study something).

Those things that come easy always seem untrustworthy to me. There should be some struggle. We should have to work, we should have to fail, we should have to try again and again.

Looks like I am right on track.

17/365 (work in progress)

I walk a fine line
between myself
and
you
an edge on a razor
that cuts
as I
balance
and bleed
tea and sympathy