I find regular old Buddhism to be more than challenging enough : )
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Focus Required
Life is complicated. The essence of life is not, but the act of living certainly is. No matter how much we "simplify", no matter how much we "unclutter" the simple act of living becomes a complicated affair that never seems to resolve its self in a consistently pleasing manner. Somehow, just making sure that the kids get to the dentist at least once in the year and making dinner everyday and paying the bills and avoiding another parking ticket and finding a job and learning how to adapt to a new life while trying to get another new life going.... means that much slips by without being noticed.
Tonight, I was all wound up in my own head on my way to pick up the youngest beast from preschool. There seem to be so many things to get wound up about right now. Because I had a bunch of things to do at home, I decided to drive to cut down on commute time, and most likely on a subconscious level, so that I could let my head spin around like a top (I can't do that on my bicycle. The slow pace and total sensory involvement are wonderful for calming the mind). As I drove, I noticed that all the other drivers I could see looked like they were in the same position I was in- distracted, anxious, frustrated, mildly overwhelmed. This, of course, started my already mildly frantic monkey mind to jump on the the tangent of the state of the world and how challenged we all are to just get through the day.
As I drove over the crest of 28th Ave I had to look to the left before I entered the intersection, and there was the most beautiful sunset. The ocean was dusky with simply amazing swirls of purple in the shadow of the swells. The haze from the crashing waves was rose pink and blue. The clouds trailed across the sky in swathes of colour and depth, the kind of clouds you want to sleep on.
I turned the car around so I could just watch it all. As I sat there, I came to realize there was an owl in the tree across the street. The bird was hidden from me, but I could hear it. Listening made me wonder if the owl was talking about the amazing view we had in front of us.
In the distance, there was a small fishing boat heading back toward the Golden Gate Bridge. Back to dock, home. I always feel close to the image of the lone, small boat on the sea. They always seem so beautiful and full of the potential to teach something.
I watched the sky change and the water crash. I listened to the owl in the tree. I stopped spinning. No matter what crashes around me or what sinister twist I put on any situation, there is always a miraculous sky over the vast sea that is unaffected by my petty dramas and anxieties. There is forever at my side a manifestation of truth. I am only part of a greater whole which exists with or without me.
The only question left is whether I am willing to let that be enough?
Tonight, I was all wound up in my own head on my way to pick up the youngest beast from preschool. There seem to be so many things to get wound up about right now. Because I had a bunch of things to do at home, I decided to drive to cut down on commute time, and most likely on a subconscious level, so that I could let my head spin around like a top (I can't do that on my bicycle. The slow pace and total sensory involvement are wonderful for calming the mind). As I drove, I noticed that all the other drivers I could see looked like they were in the same position I was in- distracted, anxious, frustrated, mildly overwhelmed. This, of course, started my already mildly frantic monkey mind to jump on the the tangent of the state of the world and how challenged we all are to just get through the day.
As I drove over the crest of 28th Ave I had to look to the left before I entered the intersection, and there was the most beautiful sunset. The ocean was dusky with simply amazing swirls of purple in the shadow of the swells. The haze from the crashing waves was rose pink and blue. The clouds trailed across the sky in swathes of colour and depth, the kind of clouds you want to sleep on.
I turned the car around so I could just watch it all. As I sat there, I came to realize there was an owl in the tree across the street. The bird was hidden from me, but I could hear it. Listening made me wonder if the owl was talking about the amazing view we had in front of us.
In the distance, there was a small fishing boat heading back toward the Golden Gate Bridge. Back to dock, home. I always feel close to the image of the lone, small boat on the sea. They always seem so beautiful and full of the potential to teach something.
I watched the sky change and the water crash. I listened to the owl in the tree. I stopped spinning. No matter what crashes around me or what sinister twist I put on any situation, there is always a miraculous sky over the vast sea that is unaffected by my petty dramas and anxieties. There is forever at my side a manifestation of truth. I am only part of a greater whole which exists with or without me.
The only question left is whether I am willing to let that be enough?
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Death Throws
"Go not gently into that dark night", said Dylan Thomas. He was speaking of his own death, but I think it applies to the age in which we live.
The 'Old' is dying a difficult, messy, loud death. The 'Old' is taking the line "Rage, rage against the dying of the light" very much to heart.
It is all around us- Somalia, Sudan, Congo, Palestine, Israel, Iran , Iraq, Afghanistan, Georgia, Russia, Wall Street, Main Street. Everything we have known has taken a different turn and the consequences are in the headlines daily. Pirates, crooks, wars, bombings, fundamentalists, conservatism, bank failures, ponzi schemes, water shortages... sounds like it is time for the militias, doesn't it?
These are the death throws of the Old World. Just like a small child who is presented with too much change in too short a period of time will throw a tantrum, the world is screaming and stomping and raging.
I started thinking about this today, not because of horrific headlines in the news, but because of an online discussion about the changes coming to my neighborhood. My neighborhood has changed mightily since it exploded on to the scene as a place to provide emergency housing following the 1906 Earthquake. We have way more people and cars and poorly planned space than anyone could have imagined 50 years ago. In response, it has become time to change the way we drive, park our cars, build our homes, and encourage business to come to our little corner of San Francisco. Many who live here, want things to change so that there can be more room for children to play and people to walk and bikes to ride, but there are many who view change as personally threatening. They are usually quite loud about their fear. That noise can frequently slow progress.
There are three really hot button topics here. Bicycle lanes, dogs and freeway access. Any of these can cause hours of nonproductive mud slinging. Decades ago, San Francisco had a plan for freeways that circled the city. In theory, they would keep car traffic off the streets and give access to all corners of our difficult to negotiate city. No one was ever really able to say if it was a good plan or not- construction was never finished and the 1989 Loma Prieta Earthquake damaged most of it beyond repair. As a result, several streets in SF were then designated to be the arterials between the 4 compass points, and my street is one of those. At the time I doubt the powers that be gave much thought to the impact that turning these streets into highways would be on the people who lived there. Now, the residents of these places are starting to fight back, and those who have reaped the rewards of these outdated plans are complaining loudly. The ideas of slowing traffic, redirecting flow, and providing multimodal space for buses, bikes, cars and pedestrians is too much for some people. Many fight the increase in housing that needs to occur on the basis that there is not enough parking for them! One argument about improving pedestrian safety outside the local Junior College is that it would slow people down on their way to the freeway.
I am fascinated by fear of change. This is not something I am generally plagued by. Sure, I get nervous about things that come at me, from time to time, I am a regular everyday person, after all. The kind of fear I am talking about here, is the kind that keeps humans from moving on with having a better life. There is something about change that brings us forward that terrifies people. Conversely, many seem really happy with the kind of change that makes us less human and more robot (the Patriot Acts come to mind). My theory is that this all has to do with the illusion of control and our desire to keep the planets moving in the orbits we set for them.
What do you think? Why do we block change? Do we gain anything by it?
The 'Old' is dying a difficult, messy, loud death. The 'Old' is taking the line "Rage, rage against the dying of the light" very much to heart.
It is all around us- Somalia, Sudan, Congo, Palestine, Israel, Iran , Iraq, Afghanistan, Georgia, Russia, Wall Street, Main Street. Everything we have known has taken a different turn and the consequences are in the headlines daily. Pirates, crooks, wars, bombings, fundamentalists, conservatism, bank failures, ponzi schemes, water shortages... sounds like it is time for the militias, doesn't it?
These are the death throws of the Old World. Just like a small child who is presented with too much change in too short a period of time will throw a tantrum, the world is screaming and stomping and raging.
I started thinking about this today, not because of horrific headlines in the news, but because of an online discussion about the changes coming to my neighborhood. My neighborhood has changed mightily since it exploded on to the scene as a place to provide emergency housing following the 1906 Earthquake. We have way more people and cars and poorly planned space than anyone could have imagined 50 years ago. In response, it has become time to change the way we drive, park our cars, build our homes, and encourage business to come to our little corner of San Francisco. Many who live here, want things to change so that there can be more room for children to play and people to walk and bikes to ride, but there are many who view change as personally threatening. They are usually quite loud about their fear. That noise can frequently slow progress.
There are three really hot button topics here. Bicycle lanes, dogs and freeway access. Any of these can cause hours of nonproductive mud slinging. Decades ago, San Francisco had a plan for freeways that circled the city. In theory, they would keep car traffic off the streets and give access to all corners of our difficult to negotiate city. No one was ever really able to say if it was a good plan or not- construction was never finished and the 1989 Loma Prieta Earthquake damaged most of it beyond repair. As a result, several streets in SF were then designated to be the arterials between the 4 compass points, and my street is one of those. At the time I doubt the powers that be gave much thought to the impact that turning these streets into highways would be on the people who lived there. Now, the residents of these places are starting to fight back, and those who have reaped the rewards of these outdated plans are complaining loudly. The ideas of slowing traffic, redirecting flow, and providing multimodal space for buses, bikes, cars and pedestrians is too much for some people. Many fight the increase in housing that needs to occur on the basis that there is not enough parking for them! One argument about improving pedestrian safety outside the local Junior College is that it would slow people down on their way to the freeway.
I am fascinated by fear of change. This is not something I am generally plagued by. Sure, I get nervous about things that come at me, from time to time, I am a regular everyday person, after all. The kind of fear I am talking about here, is the kind that keeps humans from moving on with having a better life. There is something about change that brings us forward that terrifies people. Conversely, many seem really happy with the kind of change that makes us less human and more robot (the Patriot Acts come to mind). My theory is that this all has to do with the illusion of control and our desire to keep the planets moving in the orbits we set for them.
What do you think? Why do we block change? Do we gain anything by it?
Monday, September 21, 2009
Gone, But Not Forgotten
Hello, all! I am still here, I think. Finding something to write about when your ideas won't gel makes for an exercise in futility. Alas, the curse of the monkey mind! One day, maybe, I will find my monkey has decided to settle down for a banana for a few moments.
This weekend, I had the opportunity to do something I have wanted to do for a long while- I was able to hear Thich Nhat Hanh speak in person. Despite the fact that I do not consider myself to be a Zen Buddhist, I do consider Thay to be my primary spiritual teacher. Some would say he is my Guru, but I do not feel comfortable with that title. Growing up in San Francisco in the 70's has given me a significant bias away from "guru".
Much was said during his hour and a half on stage. Not all of it made it into my head (I was happy to hear there were others who had trouble staying focused). I kept getting frustrated with myself for not being able to maintain a reasonable attention span. After all, this man is 83 years old and will not be giving this kind of public class for much longer. But, there it is. Monkey brain.
The title of the talk was "Our True Agenda". I will admit that I am a bit lost as to how the title related to the talk, but it may come to me later. The two things that did stick with me, though, were this-
Compassionate listening- Until we can learn to listen with compassion, without judgment, with open hearts and empty minds, we can not end the suffering around us, or more truthfully, our own suffering. As he spoke about listening to others without preconceptions or agendas, I felt his words hit home, deeply.
I am not a compassionate listener. I am a clinical listener. That is what I am trained for. I have spent the last 12 years listening to more people than I can remember. When someone tells me something, I automatically listen for "the clue". The clue to whatever it is that ails them, and I use that information to try to formulate a solution. My listening skills have been honed to be a problem solver, and while it is a useful skill for diagnosing illness and injury, it is not always good for simply being a listening, supportive presence.
The judgmental aspect of my personality is not one that makes me terribly happy. Why would it? Being challenged to not only empathize, but to accept, other people's points of view is an uncomfortable place for me. Where is the need for a solution? How do I fit myself in this?
Of course, that is the point- to not fit myself into the situation and simply be a compassionate, supportive presence for whoever needs it. This will take some time.
Stop so that you can arrive- We spend our days speeding through life. There is always a goal to attain, there is always a deadline. Everyday, the world around us presents us with more information than we could ever hope to digest and instead of taking just what we need and moving on, we try to shovel it all down our throats and then hope we don't throw it all back up.
As I drove home from the talk, I kept missing my exits on the freeway because of my lack of attention. I kept having to double back to get back on track, and I am quite sure I added at least 20 minutes to my drive. No matter what I tried, I could not keep my mind clear- ironically, my head was cluttered up with what I had heard Thay tell us and couldn't keep my mind on the route. Without attention to my task, I was never going to arrive home. I had to slow my mind down so I could get in the moment, arrive in the moment, so that I could arrive home.
How often does this happen to us? How often do we let life get away from us and accept that we have not arrived anywhere other than the same old tired thoughts we always have? Why do I accept the rut that I frequently find myself in?
Time to stop. So I can arrive.
One last shot of Thich Nhat Hanh, before I go. Until next time!
This weekend, I had the opportunity to do something I have wanted to do for a long while- I was able to hear Thich Nhat Hanh speak in person. Despite the fact that I do not consider myself to be a Zen Buddhist, I do consider Thay to be my primary spiritual teacher. Some would say he is my Guru, but I do not feel comfortable with that title. Growing up in San Francisco in the 70's has given me a significant bias away from "guru".
Much was said during his hour and a half on stage. Not all of it made it into my head (I was happy to hear there were others who had trouble staying focused). I kept getting frustrated with myself for not being able to maintain a reasonable attention span. After all, this man is 83 years old and will not be giving this kind of public class for much longer. But, there it is. Monkey brain.
The title of the talk was "Our True Agenda". I will admit that I am a bit lost as to how the title related to the talk, but it may come to me later. The two things that did stick with me, though, were this-
Compassionate listening- Until we can learn to listen with compassion, without judgment, with open hearts and empty minds, we can not end the suffering around us, or more truthfully, our own suffering. As he spoke about listening to others without preconceptions or agendas, I felt his words hit home, deeply.
I am not a compassionate listener. I am a clinical listener. That is what I am trained for. I have spent the last 12 years listening to more people than I can remember. When someone tells me something, I automatically listen for "the clue". The clue to whatever it is that ails them, and I use that information to try to formulate a solution. My listening skills have been honed to be a problem solver, and while it is a useful skill for diagnosing illness and injury, it is not always good for simply being a listening, supportive presence.
The judgmental aspect of my personality is not one that makes me terribly happy. Why would it? Being challenged to not only empathize, but to accept, other people's points of view is an uncomfortable place for me. Where is the need for a solution? How do I fit myself in this?
Of course, that is the point- to not fit myself into the situation and simply be a compassionate, supportive presence for whoever needs it. This will take some time.
Stop so that you can arrive- We spend our days speeding through life. There is always a goal to attain, there is always a deadline. Everyday, the world around us presents us with more information than we could ever hope to digest and instead of taking just what we need and moving on, we try to shovel it all down our throats and then hope we don't throw it all back up.
As I drove home from the talk, I kept missing my exits on the freeway because of my lack of attention. I kept having to double back to get back on track, and I am quite sure I added at least 20 minutes to my drive. No matter what I tried, I could not keep my mind clear- ironically, my head was cluttered up with what I had heard Thay tell us and couldn't keep my mind on the route. Without attention to my task, I was never going to arrive home. I had to slow my mind down so I could get in the moment, arrive in the moment, so that I could arrive home.
How often does this happen to us? How often do we let life get away from us and accept that we have not arrived anywhere other than the same old tired thoughts we always have? Why do I accept the rut that I frequently find myself in?
Time to stop. So I can arrive.
One last shot of Thich Nhat Hanh, before I go. Until next time!
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Same Same
Which is which? It is all there, in each element. Can you see it? Thich Nhat Hanh, the brilliant Buddhist monk from Viet Nam, teaches wonderfully about how if you look at something deeply, you can see the whole world in it- the sunlight in the leaves, the river water from Argentina in the clouds, the tree in the blue of the sky... it is all the same, we just entertain ourselves by seeing it all differently. Sometimes I try to find me in the tree, sometimes, the tree in me- all the same.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Take A Load Off Sally
Blurry
Funny how that happens. We carry so much around and never really know it, I suspect because it builds over time in small increments. Interactions with the world seem a bit like an air conditioner filtre- the more you use it, the more dust and detritus builds up. We never think twice of cleaning the filtres, we even put them on a schedule and the guy from Sears comes out and changes them. Why don't we do the same thing for our selves?
Meditation. I know. You are saying, "Adrienne. Meditation is the answer! Why do you fight this?" I don't. Truly. I meditate enough to know I need to do it more and that I need to go more deeply into it when I do. Lately, I have started to wonder if it isn't time for a retreat?
Of course, as soon as I say "retreat", I begin to do just that! The little thoughts that start the questioning that trigger the avalanche of doubt- How do I get time to do this?, What if I end up sick like I do every time I try to go more deeply?, Who will come out the other end of it?... While you are not supposed to embark on this kind of thing without some kind of intention, I sometimes think there has to be an element of faith that it will be OK so that you can just jump in.
Perhaps in living with intent and consciousness, we have to be conscious of just getting on with it. Could it be that living with the simple intent of just plunging in is enough? Knowing that we know nothing seems like it should be enough for getting on with. There is no way to see what will happen if indeed I do just strip away the layers, and there is no way to do anything other than just plunge in.
More to come.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Alien Encounters
This weekend, I experienced something utterly alien to me to this point in my life- the ego as a super entity. I have met many people who are completely controlled by their egos, but this was the first time I have encountered someone, face to face, whose ego had actually outgrown the building we were in.
On returning home from a wonderful time at the beach with the kids, we arrived in the driveway to my next door neighbor sitting in his car with a woman I had never seen before. Once we got out of the car, my neighbor came over to us asking to speak in private. This was odd, as we talk all the time (he gave us our Ali cat). It turned out the woman in the car was one of the residents of the apartment building our friend lives in, adjacent to our building. He told us that she had come to him looking for help after having been quite severely beaten by her boyfriend. To make matters worse, the boyfriend was sitting in a car just up the street, waiting for her to make an appearance. My friend felt overwhelmed and needed backup. I told him to go back to his car and tell this woman she needed to go inside and call the police.
Over the years, I have learned to stay the hell out of domestic issues unless there is no way out. They are messy and convoluted and have no end in sight, primarily because those involved have not yet decided that now is the time to end it. After my neighbor went to the car to tell the woman to call the police, and various other tedious events, I got to see this woman. She was really a child- 19, a foreign student at the local college, living alone in an apartment for the first time in her life in a country whose language and customs are not her own. Her ears were bruised and swollen, her nose and eyes were blackened, her lower lip was cut internally and her right foot had been stomped on and had bruises in the shape of her attacker's shoe. This was not a walk away situation.
I will spare you the details. The gist of it is, I spent an hour with this girl as she repeatedly became hysterical and out of control at the thought of calling the police. "He is sorry!", "He is a good person!", "I love him!"... all of the usual things that come from these sad situations. What was so striking about this was that there was so little of 'her'. Everything we experienced of her, from her voice to the posture of her standing, was an ego so destructive, so insane and twisted and in control, so huge it took over all the breathing space in the entire building. Every single person in the building was held hostage to her screams and tantrums and pleading. I could feel everyone holding their collective breath, waiting to exhale.
Ultimately, we called the police despite her protests. It was so obvious that she was utterly out of control and that this had turned into a situation that could not be dealt with in any other way. It no longer mattered if she would loose trust in all of the people involved, her ego was twisting her in knots and was now reaching out to infect everyone around- one minute lashing out in anger and indignation, the next clinging to us begging us to understand and help.
Today, I took refuge in my labyrinth walk. I used my time to meditate on acceptance and to simply rid myself of the dreadful, heavy, desperate, violent energy she had left on all of us. In that time, I knew there was nothing to do but wait for this horrid story to play out. Most likely with this girl in the hospital, because her ego will keep her from leaving- it will plant stories of self-loathing and fear and destruction until there is nothing but walls of cold, slimy terror around her, and hopefully, everyone she touches.
How many people go through this everyday? How many people do they drag into their circle of loathing and distortion? How much of this world's dysfunction is due to these out of control egos and their viral replication?
Perhaps instead of running to the store for Tamiflu, we should all be running to the Ashram for some meditation instruction!
On returning home from a wonderful time at the beach with the kids, we arrived in the driveway to my next door neighbor sitting in his car with a woman I had never seen before. Once we got out of the car, my neighbor came over to us asking to speak in private. This was odd, as we talk all the time (he gave us our Ali cat). It turned out the woman in the car was one of the residents of the apartment building our friend lives in, adjacent to our building. He told us that she had come to him looking for help after having been quite severely beaten by her boyfriend. To make matters worse, the boyfriend was sitting in a car just up the street, waiting for her to make an appearance. My friend felt overwhelmed and needed backup. I told him to go back to his car and tell this woman she needed to go inside and call the police.
Over the years, I have learned to stay the hell out of domestic issues unless there is no way out. They are messy and convoluted and have no end in sight, primarily because those involved have not yet decided that now is the time to end it. After my neighbor went to the car to tell the woman to call the police, and various other tedious events, I got to see this woman. She was really a child- 19, a foreign student at the local college, living alone in an apartment for the first time in her life in a country whose language and customs are not her own. Her ears were bruised and swollen, her nose and eyes were blackened, her lower lip was cut internally and her right foot had been stomped on and had bruises in the shape of her attacker's shoe. This was not a walk away situation.
I will spare you the details. The gist of it is, I spent an hour with this girl as she repeatedly became hysterical and out of control at the thought of calling the police. "He is sorry!", "He is a good person!", "I love him!"... all of the usual things that come from these sad situations. What was so striking about this was that there was so little of 'her'. Everything we experienced of her, from her voice to the posture of her standing, was an ego so destructive, so insane and twisted and in control, so huge it took over all the breathing space in the entire building. Every single person in the building was held hostage to her screams and tantrums and pleading. I could feel everyone holding their collective breath, waiting to exhale.
Ultimately, we called the police despite her protests. It was so obvious that she was utterly out of control and that this had turned into a situation that could not be dealt with in any other way. It no longer mattered if she would loose trust in all of the people involved, her ego was twisting her in knots and was now reaching out to infect everyone around- one minute lashing out in anger and indignation, the next clinging to us begging us to understand and help.
Today, I took refuge in my labyrinth walk. I used my time to meditate on acceptance and to simply rid myself of the dreadful, heavy, desperate, violent energy she had left on all of us. In that time, I knew there was nothing to do but wait for this horrid story to play out. Most likely with this girl in the hospital, because her ego will keep her from leaving- it will plant stories of self-loathing and fear and destruction until there is nothing but walls of cold, slimy terror around her, and hopefully, everyone she touches.
How many people go through this everyday? How many people do they drag into their circle of loathing and distortion? How much of this world's dysfunction is due to these out of control egos and their viral replication?
Perhaps instead of running to the store for Tamiflu, we should all be running to the Ashram for some meditation instruction!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Back To Basics
Well, now that I have properly compartmentalized my blogging life, it is time to get back to the business of the soul (although I think it is all the same). Here we go!
Things have been crazy, lately! Since being layed off, my life has become very, very busy. As it turns out, having time to find yourself can be terribly tiring. I shouldn't be surprised that things like meditation get shoved to the back burner, and they do. Daily.
Meditation has been problematic for me. Early on I learned that I can do myself a lot of damage by just jumping in and hoping for the best. While I can not say I have made it a priority, I have looked for a teacher to guide me through the perils of unfocused meditation, but none have clicked (except for one or two who are way too far away to be anything other than a loose guide). This, more than anything, is what holds me back from getting back on the cushion and digging in, 'cause I do not need to go back down that dark path again!
Until I can find someone to rope me in, I will have to get back to the labyrinth. I have not been in months and it is calling. It would be a lie to not admit that I decide this with a bit of trepidation. What will this bring up? What will I find lurking in my mind waiting to trip me up?
When did I become this pessimistic?
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
All That Is Old Is New Again
As you can see, I have changed the look of things around here a bit. I kept coming to the blog hoping it would become more visually appealing to me, but it didn't. Of course it was completely reasonable for me to expect it to get better on its own. Over the next while, I will experiment with a few things in hopes of becoming satisfied with the results (no acceptance of what is, here).
On a related topic, I would like to announce the next step in this journey of mine- a new blog! My bicycle adventures have taken on a life of their own and now require an outlet of their own. There are a lot of bicycle blogs out there, and many of them are wonderful, but I have an idea I want to flush out- how riding a bicycle changes your life. The bike its self is nothing more than a tool, and so I will leave the discussion of parts and geometry to others. I want to explore how the world looks and how we view it from the saddle.
My new project is being joined by a wonderful woman I met as a result of this journey- Meligrosa of Bikes and the City. We find that we have many of the same questions and a desire to find some answers. This is Meli.
So, if you have a moment, or a story to share of how your bike has brought you change, drop on by! Things are a bit rough right now, but as with all things, it will evolve and change over the next while as we find the right voice for our endeavor.
Change your life. Ride a bike!
On a related topic, I would like to announce the next step in this journey of mine- a new blog! My bicycle adventures have taken on a life of their own and now require an outlet of their own. There are a lot of bicycle blogs out there, and many of them are wonderful, but I have an idea I want to flush out- how riding a bicycle changes your life. The bike its self is nothing more than a tool, and so I will leave the discussion of parts and geometry to others. I want to explore how the world looks and how we view it from the saddle.
My new project is being joined by a wonderful woman I met as a result of this journey- Meligrosa of Bikes and the City. We find that we have many of the same questions and a desire to find some answers. This is Meli.
So, if you have a moment, or a story to share of how your bike has brought you change, drop on by! Things are a bit rough right now, but as with all things, it will evolve and change over the next while as we find the right voice for our endeavor.
Change your life. Ride a bike!
Friday, May 1, 2009
Expansion
Just about a month ago I was layed off of my job. At first, I was a bit taken aback by the whole thing.I had worked in my company for 10 years and was an integral part of my department. Through years of work, I had created a reputation I could be proud of- a reputation for hard work and dedication to patients that others had written off. Decisions made at a corporate level are what ended my time there, and while it is nice to know it wasn't personal, it is strange to be removed from my livelihood from a remote location.
Either way, with the lay off has come a wonderful surprise- I have time to live! So much of our time is taken up doing the work that keeps business going, that sometimes we forget (or choose not to see) how much of ourselves are taken away by the simple act of working. Even though I enjoyed my job immensely and was good at it, it took something from me- my energy and time. With that gone, the Universe is starting to show me the possibilities that await me, and some of these possibilities are things I never dreamed of.
As anyone who has read this blog or seen my Flickr page knows, I ride my bike everywhere these days. There have been many, many changes to my life as a result of this (more on that at a later date), not the least of which is discovering the many wonderful blogs out there that write exclusively about bikes and cycling in its many forms. Through these blogs, I have participated in many wonderful and thought provoking conversations with people from all over the world. Through those conversations I have come to try things I would never have tried before, and spoken to people I would never have met.Just the other day, I received an invitation to be a regular contributor to one of the SF local bicycle blogs I frequent, Vélo Vogue. Needless to say, I jumped on the opportunity! The honor of being asked is huge, but the opportunity to write and shoot about something that has become such an integral part of my spiritual journey to an audience around the world is something that could never have happened before I was layed off. There was no time to devote to truly pursuing this path, I could ride but not write. There are only so many hours in the day, and they are usually all spoken for.
After months of wondering how to make my life look more like what my 'self' feels like, I now have the opportunity to act on it. Had I sat down and tried to map out how my life should look, I am not sure that this is what I would have pictured, and yet, it is exactly what I needed. What an amazing blessing! I would be a fool to not follow through.
Soooo, if you would like to see where the bicycle part of my journey is taking me, or where a bicycle could take you, please follow along. If you can, find some time that is just for you and ask the Universe to send you something that you can work on to create a world that looks like what it should feel like to you. You never know what will get sent your way!
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Not On My Watch
"Go not gently into that dark night", said Dylan Thomas. He was speaking of his own death, but I think it applies to the age in which we live.
The 'Old' is dying a difficult, messy, loud death. The 'Old' is taking the line "Rage, rage against the dying of the light" very much to heart.
It is all around us- Somalia, Sudan, Congo, Palestine, Israel, Iran , Iraq, Afghanistan, Georgia, Russia, Wall Street, Main Street. Everything we have known has taken a different turn and the consequences are in the headlines daily. Pirates, crooks, wars, bombings, fundamentalists, conservatism, bank failures,ponzi schemes, water shortages... sounds like it is time for the militias, doesn't it?
These are the death throws of the Old World. Just like a small child who is presented with too much change in too short a period of time will throw a tantrum, the world is screaming and stomping and raging.
I started thinking about this today, not because of horrific headlines in the news, but because of an online discussion about the changes coming to my neighborhood. My neighborhood has changed mightily since it exploded on to the scene as a place to provide emergency housing following the 1906 Earthquake. We have way more people and cars and poorly planned space than anyone could have imagined 50 years ago. In response, it has become time to change the way we drive, park our cars, build our homes, and encourage business to come to our little corner of San Francisco. Many who live here, want things to change so that there can be more room for children to play and people to walk and bikes to ride, but there are many who view change as personally threatening. They are usually quite loud about their fear. That noise can frequently slow progress.
There are three really hot button topics here. Bicycle lanes, dogs and freeway access. Any of these can cause hours of nonproductive mud slinging. Decades ago, San Francisco had a plan for freeways that circled the city. In theory, they would keep car traffic off the streets and give access to all corners of our difficult to negotiate city. No one was ever really able to say if it was a good plan or not- construction was never finished and the 1989Loma Prieta Earthquake damaged most of it beyond repair. As a result, several streets in SF were then designated to be the arterials between the 4 compass points, and my street is one of those. At the time I doubt the powers that be gave much thought to the impact that turning these streets into highways would be on the people who lived there. Now, the residents of these places are starting to fight back, and those who have reaped the rewards of these outdated plans are complaining loudly. The ideas of slowing traffic, redirecting flow, and providing multi modal space for buses, bikes, cars and pedestrians is too much for some people. Many fight the increase in housing that needs to occur on the basis that there is not enough parking for them! One argument about improving pedestrian safety outside the local Junior College is that it would slow people down on their way to the freeway.
I am fascinated by fear of change. This is not something I am generally plagued by. Sure, I get nervous about things that come at me, from time to time, I am a regular everyday person, after all. The kind of fear I am talking about here, is the kind that keeps humans from moving on with having a better life. There is something about change that brings us forward that terrifies people. Conversely, many seem really happy with the kind of change that makes us less human and more robot (the Patriot Acts come to mind). My theory is that this all has to do with the illusion of control and our desire to keep the planets moving in the orbits we set for them.
What do you think? Why do we block change? Do we gain anything by it?
The 'Old' is dying a difficult, messy, loud death. The 'Old' is taking the line "Rage, rage against the dying of the light" very much to heart.
It is all around us- Somalia, Sudan, Congo, Palestine, Israel, Iran , Iraq, Afghanistan, Georgia, Russia, Wall Street, Main Street. Everything we have known has taken a different turn and the consequences are in the headlines daily. Pirates, crooks, wars, bombings, fundamentalists, conservatism, bank failures,ponzi schemes, water shortages... sounds like it is time for the militias, doesn't it?
These are the death throws of the Old World. Just like a small child who is presented with too much change in too short a period of time will throw a tantrum, the world is screaming and stomping and raging.
I started thinking about this today, not because of horrific headlines in the news, but because of an online discussion about the changes coming to my neighborhood. My neighborhood has changed mightily since it exploded on to the scene as a place to provide emergency housing following the 1906 Earthquake. We have way more people and cars and poorly planned space than anyone could have imagined 50 years ago. In response, it has become time to change the way we drive, park our cars, build our homes, and encourage business to come to our little corner of San Francisco. Many who live here, want things to change so that there can be more room for children to play and people to walk and bikes to ride, but there are many who view change as personally threatening. They are usually quite loud about their fear. That noise can frequently slow progress.
There are three really hot button topics here. Bicycle lanes, dogs and freeway access. Any of these can cause hours of nonproductive mud slinging. Decades ago, San Francisco had a plan for freeways that circled the city. In theory, they would keep car traffic off the streets and give access to all corners of our difficult to negotiate city. No one was ever really able to say if it was a good plan or not- construction was never finished and the 1989Loma Prieta Earthquake damaged most of it beyond repair. As a result, several streets in SF were then designated to be the arterials between the 4 compass points, and my street is one of those. At the time I doubt the powers that be gave much thought to the impact that turning these streets into highways would be on the people who lived there. Now, the residents of these places are starting to fight back, and those who have reaped the rewards of these outdated plans are complaining loudly. The ideas of slowing traffic, redirecting flow, and providing multi modal space for buses, bikes, cars and pedestrians is too much for some people. Many fight the increase in housing that needs to occur on the basis that there is not enough parking for them! One argument about improving pedestrian safety outside the local Junior College is that it would slow people down on their way to the freeway.
I am fascinated by fear of change. This is not something I am generally plagued by. Sure, I get nervous about things that come at me, from time to time, I am a regular everyday person, after all. The kind of fear I am talking about here, is the kind that keeps humans from moving on with having a better life. There is something about change that brings us forward that terrifies people. Conversely, many seem really happy with the kind of change that makes us less human and more robot (the Patriot Acts come to mind). My theory is that this all has to do with the illusion of control and our desire to keep the planets moving in the orbits we set for them.
What do you think? Why do we block change? Do we gain anything by it?
Monday, April 6, 2009
Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain
Since I started the more formal leg of my spiritual journey, I have heard the term 'mental construct' a lot. Many groups use this teaching- Sufi, Buddhist... it is used to describe just about all of life, from what I can see. Many teachings point to the 'illusion' that we interpret as life- that there is no difference between a tree a light bulb a person because all are different manifestations of energy (which is what it is).
Sometimes this is a comforting thought. There are times when feeling a strong and direct connection to everything around me is very centering . These beliefs allow me to stay focused in times and situations that are chaotic and stressful. If all around me is joined in this manner then my unpleasant moment will pass to something better to keep the balance that all of nature, all energy requires to be stable (to get really complicated, I suppose this could be a good explanation for impermanence- what I have must change in order to keep balance for all).
Were I to say that I spend all of my time in this thought state, I would be telling one whopper of a lie. Quite frankly, if I can remember this once a week I am doing pretty well. Most of the time I am nicely wrapped up in thoughts of how my own little packet of Universal energy is plodding through life. For now, I find that my exploration into the inner workings of the spiritual universe are most successfully undertaken by looking into my little part of it- me (which, by the by, is why I think we have physical forms- so that we can explore through them).
Since the beginning of the year I have started many projects. All of them were begun for various reasons, most quite mundane, and almost all of them have ended up becoming integral parts of this exploration. Changing my diet to almost completely local food, riding my bike instead of my car, working less to be at home more, writing... have all become indispensable aspects of this journey. I have become highly unattracted to processed food, not because of its deleterious effects on my health, anywhere near as much because you can taste that it has no soul. Not driving my car puts me in a place where I have to rely on my physicality and spirit to get me where I am going (oil use reduction is a pretty good perk, though). Writing this blog forces me to focus my thoughts, which is good because I have serious monkey brain and it can get in the way.
The one thing I do these days that brings me down the road to 'enlightenment', is photography. Aside from the fact that taking pictures of things gives you a different perspective on them, I am learning that taking pictures of myself can open up the way I 'see' me. Starting on New Year's Day, I began a '365 Days Project' in which I have to take a picture of myself, every day, for a year. I had heard of and seen other people's projects before, but my decision to embark on a project myself was very spontaneous and unplanned. I am now on Day 91, which is about 85 days longer than I thought I would get. What I have shot and what I have seen have been very surprising and disarming. Many feelings I have harboured on a number of subjects have become subject to tremendous change or outright rejection. Mostly, I have found a sense of peace with my physical being that I have not had for quite a long time. There are fewer 'flaws' to see and more life and personality. I find way less to find fault with, and more to be happy about- all because I am taking pictures of myself, which is way cheaper than therapy!
Sometimes that old voice nags at me about some silly aspect of myself- too many stretch marks, skin that is starting to look like is almost 40... The voice of 'the man behind the curtain', that silly ego that wants to cause unhappiness to keep its self busy. Ignore him, go mug for the camera!
My 365 pictures
Sometimes this is a comforting thought. There are times when feeling a strong and direct connection to everything around me is very centering . These beliefs allow me to stay focused in times and situations that are chaotic and stressful. If all around me is joined in this manner then my unpleasant moment will pass to something better to keep the balance that all of nature, all energy requires to be stable (to get really complicated, I suppose this could be a good explanation for impermanence- what I have must change in order to keep balance for all).
Were I to say that I spend all of my time in this thought state, I would be telling one whopper of a lie. Quite frankly, if I can remember this once a week I am doing pretty well. Most of the time I am nicely wrapped up in thoughts of how my own little packet of Universal energy is plodding through life. For now, I find that my exploration into the inner workings of the spiritual universe are most successfully undertaken by looking into my little part of it- me (which, by the by, is why I think we have physical forms- so that we can explore through them).
Since the beginning of the year I have started many projects. All of them were begun for various reasons, most quite mundane, and almost all of them have ended up becoming integral parts of this exploration. Changing my diet to almost completely local food, riding my bike instead of my car, working less to be at home more, writing... have all become indispensable aspects of this journey. I have become highly unattracted to processed food, not because of its deleterious effects on my health, anywhere near as much because you can taste that it has no soul. Not driving my car puts me in a place where I have to rely on my physicality and spirit to get me where I am going (oil use reduction is a pretty good perk, though). Writing this blog forces me to focus my thoughts, which is good because I have serious monkey brain and it can get in the way.
The one thing I do these days that brings me down the road to 'enlightenment', is photography. Aside from the fact that taking pictures of things gives you a different perspective on them, I am learning that taking pictures of myself can open up the way I 'see' me. Starting on New Year's Day, I began a '365 Days Project' in which I have to take a picture of myself, every day, for a year. I had heard of and seen other people's projects before, but my decision to embark on a project myself was very spontaneous and unplanned. I am now on Day 91, which is about 85 days longer than I thought I would get. What I have shot and what I have seen have been very surprising and disarming. Many feelings I have harboured on a number of subjects have become subject to tremendous change or outright rejection. Mostly, I have found a sense of peace with my physical being that I have not had for quite a long time. There are fewer 'flaws' to see and more life and personality. I find way less to find fault with, and more to be happy about- all because I am taking pictures of myself, which is way cheaper than therapy!
Sometimes that old voice nags at me about some silly aspect of myself- too many stretch marks, skin that is starting to look like is almost 40... The voice of 'the man behind the curtain', that silly ego that wants to cause unhappiness to keep its self busy. Ignore him, go mug for the camera!
My 365 pictures
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Just Like Riding A Bike
Today was 'Bike Rodeo' day at my daughter's elementary school. The YMCA brought out a ton of bikes and helmets for the kids to ride, and spent a couple of hours teaching the kids riding skills they can use on the streets- looking over your shoulder without swerving, sudden stops, right of way... Overall, perhaps one of the more potentially useful lessons these kids will learn this week. I was so happy to see them learning something practical and basic, something kids learned just by being on the block when I was a kid.
Despite my joy at seeing the kids riding around, there were more than a few moments in the morning where the kids were being fed fear rather than knowledge. Right at the beginning, the helmets went on. While I do not wear a helmet (please don't write me to tell me I am crazy- I have my reasons and they are fine for me), I have no problem with others wearing them and insist that my children do, if for nothing else than to keep them from scraping up their faces when they stack- I do not think they will provide any protection in the case of major collisions (again, I have my opinion on this, you have yours- leave it at that). As the instructors fitted the kids with various helmets, I heard one of them telling the kids "this helmet will save your life". Not 'could save your life' or 'will keep you from scraping your face if you fall'- the kids were told, with absolute conviction, that their lives would absolutely be saved. By implication, the instructors sounded as though they knew that today would be the day that death came to visit my daughter's class and that these plastic buckets would fend off the scythe of the Grim Reaper.
So right off the bat, the kids are being conditioned to accept other people limiting their choices and ability to reason through situations by instilling fear as the basis for decision making. As my presence in this class was to take pictures of the kids learning how to ride, I was not in a position to say anything about it, nor was it an appropriate forum for that discussion. But it got me to thinking about how often our kids are controlled by fear, mostly because the adults are all living in fear. Fear of pedophiles and trans fats and lead paint and underachievement and delayed speech and public schools... have turned parents and teachers into peddlers of fear and anxiety. Children who are never allowed out of eyeshot of an adult grow up to be teenagers who can not be off the electronic leash of phones and computers with everyone they know for fear of not being connected to everything at all times.
The worst part is we have marketed this as cool. Fear of the world has become fashionable! Instead of facing our demons we have made them the fodder for talk shows, the basis of indoor play spaces with monitors at the ready with antibacterial wipes, the warning label on matchboxes telling us the contents are flammable. We have made being weak and frightened the epitome of 'fitting in'. We have allowed something as simple and basic as riding a childhood bike to become an activity that calls into question our parenting if we do something as radical as let kids just get on with it and have fun.
How do we turn back the clock on this? Is there a way to teach others the joy of simply allowing the moment to be what it is without catastrophizing it? To 'go with the flow', so to speak. Can we stop this before we paralyze our children's future, a future where they will need to be creative and fearless and brazen on a level most of us have never known? My goodness, I hope so, because we have fallen off and we need to get back on the bike of life without fear for the sake of our kids and ourselves.
Despite my joy at seeing the kids riding around, there were more than a few moments in the morning where the kids were being fed fear rather than knowledge. Right at the beginning, the helmets went on. While I do not wear a helmet (please don't write me to tell me I am crazy- I have my reasons and they are fine for me), I have no problem with others wearing them and insist that my children do, if for nothing else than to keep them from scraping up their faces when they stack- I do not think they will provide any protection in the case of major collisions (again, I have my opinion on this, you have yours- leave it at that). As the instructors fitted the kids with various helmets, I heard one of them telling the kids "this helmet will save your life". Not 'could save your life' or 'will keep you from scraping your face if you fall'- the kids were told, with absolute conviction, that their lives would absolutely be saved. By implication, the instructors sounded as though they knew that today would be the day that death came to visit my daughter's class and that these plastic buckets would fend off the scythe of the Grim Reaper.
So right off the bat, the kids are being conditioned to accept other people limiting their choices and ability to reason through situations by instilling fear as the basis for decision making. As my presence in this class was to take pictures of the kids learning how to ride, I was not in a position to say anything about it, nor was it an appropriate forum for that discussion. But it got me to thinking about how often our kids are controlled by fear, mostly because the adults are all living in fear. Fear of pedophiles and trans fats and lead paint and underachievement and delayed speech and public schools... have turned parents and teachers into peddlers of fear and anxiety. Children who are never allowed out of eyeshot of an adult grow up to be teenagers who can not be off the electronic leash of phones and computers with everyone they know for fear of not being connected to everything at all times.The worst part is we have marketed this as cool. Fear of the world has become fashionable! Instead of facing our demons we have made them the fodder for talk shows, the basis of indoor play spaces with monitors at the ready with antibacterial wipes, the warning label on matchboxes telling us the contents are flammable. We have made being weak and frightened the epitome of 'fitting in'. We have allowed something as simple and basic as riding a childhood bike to become an activity that calls into question our parenting if we do something as radical as let kids just get on with it and have fun.
How do we turn back the clock on this? Is there a way to teach others the joy of simply allowing the moment to be what it is without catastrophizing it? To 'go with the flow', so to speak. Can we stop this before we paralyze our children's future, a future where they will need to be creative and fearless and brazen on a level most of us have never known? My goodness, I hope so, because we have fallen off and we need to get back on the bike of life without fear for the sake of our kids and ourselves.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
A River Runs Through Us
It has come to my attention that perhaps I should write more often. I always have great ideas at just the point that I have no time! Which on some cosmic level probably means something profound, but in the mundane pursuit of daily life means I don't get much writing done. So, today, I will grab the bull by the keypad and get down to business.
As a result of no longer driving to work, I find I have time to read while I am on BART. Even if riding a bike did nothing else for me, the fact that it has given me back my daily reading time would be enough to keep me pedaling. This week I have been rereading "A River Runs Through It" by Norman Maclean. I would have never guessed that something so beautiful could be written about fly fishing. Nor would I guess that all of the parts of life could be encompassed in such a simple story.
Every time you tell a story, it changes and it is the same when you read a story. Each time it takes on a different tone and you find something else in it. I find, this time, that I am paying a great deal of attention to the words and structure of the story and in doing so, discovered a passage that I had not caught in previous readings-
"But I knew a story had begun, perhaps long ago near the sound of water. And I sensed that ahead I would meet something that would never erode so there would be a sharp turn, deep circles, a deposit, and quietness."
How many times have I just known that something was about to be very different without anything else being terribly out of place? We have all felt that at one time or another- an absolute knowledge that everything is about to change, and like a river crashing through a gorge, there is no stopping it. The one thing that seems to never show in this is the magnitude of what becomes the non-eroding object that redirects the river. What chance encounter or impulse purchase or random book could be that thing that redirects the rest to come?
As I sit here looking at the events around me, it is obvious that we are all in midst of great change. Beyond that, I feel there is something else on the horizon that will redirect the river that is our life- a non-erodible object that will force us to turn and swirl and drop what came before in order to continue downstream.
As a result of no longer driving to work, I find I have time to read while I am on BART. Even if riding a bike did nothing else for me, the fact that it has given me back my daily reading time would be enough to keep me pedaling. This week I have been rereading "A River Runs Through It" by Norman Maclean. I would have never guessed that something so beautiful could be written about fly fishing. Nor would I guess that all of the parts of life could be encompassed in such a simple story.
Every time you tell a story, it changes and it is the same when you read a story. Each time it takes on a different tone and you find something else in it. I find, this time, that I am paying a great deal of attention to the words and structure of the story and in doing so, discovered a passage that I had not caught in previous readings-
"But I knew a story had begun, perhaps long ago near the sound of water. And I sensed that ahead I would meet something that would never erode so there would be a sharp turn, deep circles, a deposit, and quietness."
How many times have I just known that something was about to be very different without anything else being terribly out of place? We have all felt that at one time or another- an absolute knowledge that everything is about to change, and like a river crashing through a gorge, there is no stopping it. The one thing that seems to never show in this is the magnitude of what becomes the non-eroding object that redirects the river. What chance encounter or impulse purchase or random book could be that thing that redirects the rest to come?
As I sit here looking at the events around me, it is obvious that we are all in midst of great change. Beyond that, I feel there is something else on the horizon that will redirect the river that is our life- a non-erodible object that will force us to turn and swirl and drop what came before in order to continue downstream.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Convictions
Here is what I am contemplating these days- how do you live your convictions? Truly, if you think about some of the things that you believe to be important, do you live by those beliefs? At the least, are you trying to get to a place where you could?
I believe a lot of things- charity is good, cars should be used sparingly, patience with children is necessary, eating meat is questionable, recycling should always happen.... How much of this do I live? I yell at my kids, I eat meat, I rarely give to charity (I do not feel that donating unused clothing to Goodwill to be charity). On the upside, I recycle everything I can and I drive very little (sometimes not at all for days at a time). None of these are big things, they should all be doable without breaking a sweat, and yet I do not do them all.
So how do people follow through with the big things? How do monks live a life of celibacy? How do people keep hunger strikes? Or closer to home, how do I live my life in a way that elevates the lives of others instead of exploiting the random nature of geography or political climate? Is it enough to grow my own food (I don't, yet)? If I buy my clothes second hand does this really help?
Could I give someone a kidney? Hell, could I cut off my hair to make wigs for cancer patients? I have difficulty giving my time. In fact, I hate it. For as long as I can remember I have been very protectionist of my time, and yet my time is probably my most valuable asset. My time is the one thing I have that could probably make a real difference in the world around me. When I think of devoting that time to school groups or neighborhood societies or charity walk-a-thons I start to get nervous- my time given to others who have expectations to live up to and rules to follow. In some ways, it would be easier to give a kidney- a finite event that has a distinct beginning and a distinct end after which I am no longer needed.
Were someone to ask me if I feel that I am a 'good' person, I would have to admit to being on the fence with that concept. Can I apply that concept to myself in the face of what is obviously quite self-serving behavior on my part? Whether I should even try to apply it or not is a completely different conversation and I am not going there, tonight.
Perhaps I do live by my convictions- I will extend myself only so far for the benefit of others and the world. So then, I have to decide if I am comfortable with my convictions. Are you? A conundrum to be sure.
I believe a lot of things- charity is good, cars should be used sparingly, patience with children is necessary, eating meat is questionable, recycling should always happen.... How much of this do I live? I yell at my kids, I eat meat, I rarely give to charity (I do not feel that donating unused clothing to Goodwill to be charity). On the upside, I recycle everything I can and I drive very little (sometimes not at all for days at a time). None of these are big things, they should all be doable without breaking a sweat, and yet I do not do them all.
So how do people follow through with the big things? How do monks live a life of celibacy? How do people keep hunger strikes? Or closer to home, how do I live my life in a way that elevates the lives of others instead of exploiting the random nature of geography or political climate? Is it enough to grow my own food (I don't, yet)? If I buy my clothes second hand does this really help?
Could I give someone a kidney? Hell, could I cut off my hair to make wigs for cancer patients? I have difficulty giving my time. In fact, I hate it. For as long as I can remember I have been very protectionist of my time, and yet my time is probably my most valuable asset. My time is the one thing I have that could probably make a real difference in the world around me. When I think of devoting that time to school groups or neighborhood societies or charity walk-a-thons I start to get nervous- my time given to others who have expectations to live up to and rules to follow. In some ways, it would be easier to give a kidney- a finite event that has a distinct beginning and a distinct end after which I am no longer needed.
Were someone to ask me if I feel that I am a 'good' person, I would have to admit to being on the fence with that concept. Can I apply that concept to myself in the face of what is obviously quite self-serving behavior on my part? Whether I should even try to apply it or not is a completely different conversation and I am not going there, tonight.
Perhaps I do live by my convictions- I will extend myself only so far for the benefit of others and the world. So then, I have to decide if I am comfortable with my convictions. Are you? A conundrum to be sure.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
The Bat & The Blazer
Today I am straying a bit from the spiritual path, although, not from the space of seeing the world differently. Maybe that is all 'spirituality' really is, anyway. 'Seeing' from a different place.
While I was out getting coffee today (thank God I have older kids that can watch the younger one for a bit while I sneak out!) I hadn't payed much attention to where I parked my bike. It is the same place I always park. The neighborhood my coffee shop is in is very quiet and all I need is my built on rear wheel lock to keep my bike safe. Several times a week you can see my bike parked there. Today it was parked next to a Chevy Blazer- a ubiquitous 'family' vehicle these days.
As I looked at my bike next to the Blazer, I could really see how much has changed since I started riding as my primary means of transportation. The way I look at cars, and moving from place to place and what I can do under my own power is much different than it was two years ago.
From a pure numbers perspective, there is no argument as to which makes more sense in this economy. Assuming the car is a 2005 model, the average cost, new, averaged about $20,000 once all the various 'options' were included (did you know, on pickup trucks tailgates and bumpers are optional?). While getting exact numbers for insurance on this vehicle are difficult, my family pays $2800 a year to comprehensively insure one car and minimally insure a second. The Blazer of 2005 averaged 15.5 miles per gallon (although I think that is highway MPG, not city). If it has a 20 gallon tank, that is $84 a tank to go 310 miles (back when gas was $4.20 a gallon a couple of months ago. It will be back there, soon). With actual MPG, that is probably more like 250 miles with traffic and load involved, less if the driving was stop start and mostly in the city. Maintenance costs should be applied here, as well. There are others who calculate these things. We can throw in the 3 or 4 parking tickets that this driver can expect to get this year, as well as the other parking fees that will crop up over time.
My Batavus was a pricey bike- $1700 MSRP, although, I only paid $1000 for it. My upgrades to it, to make it more usable (and more comfortable) have cost $385 and have included my panniers and child safety seat. I will never get parking tickets on it, and I keep it in my garage (unlike most cars, including my own). All of it's maintenance is done by either myself or my husband and thus only costs the price of parts. I have put about 1000 miles on it since the beginning of October 2009 (despite a hiatus from riding due to hand surgery), no gasoline. In that time I have lost 13 pounds, and thus, have to buy a new wardrobe (my largest expense since beginning my bicycle commuting odyssey). This weight loss will ultimately keep my health insurance costs down as it keeps my blood pressure and cholesterol down, not to mention keeps my mood up . I buy gasoline so infrequently that I forget when the last time was.
Both of these vehicles are used to transport children. My youngest son rides on a heavy duty seat on the back of my bike. When I am driving my car, I find it difficult to talk to my kids- there is competition from the radio and the road noise and the traffic.... When we are bicycling together, we all get to appreciate our surroundings and my little one chatters away to all of us about what he sees. We stop when we need to, to rest or see something that has caught our eye. Today, we stopped to take pictures of the rain clouds we have been hoping for in San Francisco. In looking for easier routes to our various destinations, we have seen all kinds of things we never do when driving. We have discovered many new adventures on two wheels. In the car, we drive. Period. As a bonus, all of the riding has taught the kids how much work it takes to do things right and the satisfaction that comes with it. There is also no car sickness on a bike.
Driving is usually the faster option, and in a time crunch, is the choice I will make. I have, however, come to love the slower pace of my bike and find I do not mind having to give myself more time to get places as the journey has become so much more pleasant. There is no doubt that I am a more pleasant person on my bike than in my car, as well as happier on arrival.
All of this extends to my family, as well. Transportation is no longer a factor of who will drive. Getting where we need to go is now a family endeavor where everyone takes part. Decisions about how to get where we are going are made as much by the kids as they are by the parents. The needs of the group must be considered. We have to make sure that each of us is able to tackle the path we have chosen and be flexible enough to change mid-path if needed.
From a purely practical perspective, choosing to ride my bike is an obvious one- less expensive, greater fitness, easier storage, less maintenance, lower environmental impact, no oil..... but the greatest benefits, to me, are of a more personal nature and have little to do with practicality. Riding a bike is social and completely experiential. Every time I ride, I am engaged completely with my surroundings and I experience everything (sights, smells, weather, sounds, even emotions) without the filter of a windshield and roll cage. Instead of plowing through the world without touching anything but leather interior, I am an active part of everything around me, and thus, I feel more alive and engaged in the world. Getting around has become a goal in and of its self.
Isn't that what life is supposed to be? A journey whose point is to simply be as it is. Maybe to enjoy the bumps and the wrong turns and the diverted paths.
So then the question becomes, does the owner of the Blazer spend time thinking about how to drive more? Does she write blogs about her car? Is she busy with a second job to make the payments?
While I was out getting coffee today (thank God I have older kids that can watch the younger one for a bit while I sneak out!) I hadn't payed much attention to where I parked my bike. It is the same place I always park. The neighborhood my coffee shop is in is very quiet and all I need is my built on rear wheel lock to keep my bike safe. Several times a week you can see my bike parked there. Today it was parked next to a Chevy Blazer- a ubiquitous 'family' vehicle these days.
As I looked at my bike next to the Blazer, I could really see how much has changed since I started riding as my primary means of transportation. The way I look at cars, and moving from place to place and what I can do under my own power is much different than it was two years ago.
From a pure numbers perspective, there is no argument as to which makes more sense in this economy. Assuming the car is a 2005 model, the average cost, new, averaged about $20,000 once all the various 'options' were included (did you know, on pickup trucks tailgates and bumpers are optional?). While getting exact numbers for insurance on this vehicle are difficult, my family pays $2800 a year to comprehensively insure one car and minimally insure a second. The Blazer of 2005 averaged 15.5 miles per gallon (although I think that is highway MPG, not city). If it has a 20 gallon tank, that is $84 a tank to go 310 miles (back when gas was $4.20 a gallon a couple of months ago. It will be back there, soon). With actual MPG, that is probably more like 250 miles with traffic and load involved, less if the driving was stop start and mostly in the city. Maintenance costs should be applied here, as well. There are others who calculate these things. We can throw in the 3 or 4 parking tickets that this driver can expect to get this year, as well as the other parking fees that will crop up over time.
My Batavus was a pricey bike- $1700 MSRP, although, I only paid $1000 for it. My upgrades to it, to make it more usable (and more comfortable) have cost $385 and have included my panniers and child safety seat. I will never get parking tickets on it, and I keep it in my garage (unlike most cars, including my own). All of it's maintenance is done by either myself or my husband and thus only costs the price of parts. I have put about 1000 miles on it since the beginning of October 2009 (despite a hiatus from riding due to hand surgery), no gasoline. In that time I have lost 13 pounds, and thus, have to buy a new wardrobe (my largest expense since beginning my bicycle commuting odyssey). This weight loss will ultimately keep my health insurance costs down as it keeps my blood pressure and cholesterol down, not to mention keeps my mood up . I buy gasoline so infrequently that I forget when the last time was.
Both of these vehicles are used to transport children. My youngest son rides on a heavy duty seat on the back of my bike. When I am driving my car, I find it difficult to talk to my kids- there is competition from the radio and the road noise and the traffic.... When we are bicycling together, we all get to appreciate our surroundings and my little one chatters away to all of us about what he sees. We stop when we need to, to rest or see something that has caught our eye. Today, we stopped to take pictures of the rain clouds we have been hoping for in San Francisco. In looking for easier routes to our various destinations, we have seen all kinds of things we never do when driving. We have discovered many new adventures on two wheels. In the car, we drive. Period. As a bonus, all of the riding has taught the kids how much work it takes to do things right and the satisfaction that comes with it. There is also no car sickness on a bike.
Driving is usually the faster option, and in a time crunch, is the choice I will make. I have, however, come to love the slower pace of my bike and find I do not mind having to give myself more time to get places as the journey has become so much more pleasant. There is no doubt that I am a more pleasant person on my bike than in my car, as well as happier on arrival.
All of this extends to my family, as well. Transportation is no longer a factor of who will drive. Getting where we need to go is now a family endeavor where everyone takes part. Decisions about how to get where we are going are made as much by the kids as they are by the parents. The needs of the group must be considered. We have to make sure that each of us is able to tackle the path we have chosen and be flexible enough to change mid-path if needed.
From a purely practical perspective, choosing to ride my bike is an obvious one- less expensive, greater fitness, easier storage, less maintenance, lower environmental impact, no oil..... but the greatest benefits, to me, are of a more personal nature and have little to do with practicality. Riding a bike is social and completely experiential. Every time I ride, I am engaged completely with my surroundings and I experience everything (sights, smells, weather, sounds, even emotions) without the filter of a windshield and roll cage. Instead of plowing through the world without touching anything but leather interior, I am an active part of everything around me, and thus, I feel more alive and engaged in the world. Getting around has become a goal in and of its self.
Isn't that what life is supposed to be? A journey whose point is to simply be as it is. Maybe to enjoy the bumps and the wrong turns and the diverted paths.
So then the question becomes, does the owner of the Blazer spend time thinking about how to drive more? Does she write blogs about her car? Is she busy with a second job to make the payments?
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Brave New World
Did you have to read Aldous Huxley in high school? I had to read 'Brave New World'. It was disturbing and not well covered by my not so great Junior year English teacher. Over the last 20 years, I have thought about all those babies in jars being acclimatized to future lives in mines or deserts. The ultimate in social engineering. Combined with '1984' and 'Animal Farm', Huxley and Orwell provided me with a distrust of technology, authority, ignorance and fear of the hell that is created when those things combine.
So here we are, and maybe there really is a brave, new world that we have come to that I don't have to distrust and worry over. Yes, there is much that points to us being in the proverbial hand basket. There is a whole blog of examples I could wrote about that (although I think 'No Impact Man' does that quite well enough.) but from my perspective, there is so much out there that points to the flowering of a society that 'gets it'. There are so many people who are questioning technology, authority and ignorance to make small but profound changes in their lives- growing their own food, choosing neighborhood public schools, listening to music from other countries (never under estimate the power of that, it is where rock and roll came from and the Beatles changed the world), riding bikes to get to work, writing blogs ....
Most importantly, voting for leaders based on the content of their characters, and not the colour of their skins (or shape of their genitalia, for that matter). The world is on the cusp of something, and those who fear it the most are the ones who fight the hardest to stop it (what else could explain the Middle East?). We are racing forward at a sickening pace, I call it accelerated evolution, but sometimes it feels more like the sickness that came from too much spinning as a child (I am going to throw up! Let's do it again!). That feeling in the pit of your stomach that tells you the roller coaster is about to start the 5G descent that you would stop if given the chance but really want to do through with. The edges are starting to blur, and the wind is starting to howl in our ears- do we shut our eyes and pray for deliverance or do we throw our hands in the air and hope the camera catches us screaming with joy at the scariest part?
Do we close our fists or hold them open in welcome to this brave, new world?
So here we are, and maybe there really is a brave, new world that we have come to that I don't have to distrust and worry over. Yes, there is much that points to us being in the proverbial hand basket. There is a whole blog of examples I could wrote about that (although I think 'No Impact Man' does that quite well enough.) but from my perspective, there is so much out there that points to the flowering of a society that 'gets it'. There are so many people who are questioning technology, authority and ignorance to make small but profound changes in their lives- growing their own food, choosing neighborhood public schools, listening to music from other countries (never under estimate the power of that, it is where rock and roll came from and the Beatles changed the world), riding bikes to get to work, writing blogs ....
Most importantly, voting for leaders based on the content of their characters, and not the colour of their skins (or shape of their genitalia, for that matter). The world is on the cusp of something, and those who fear it the most are the ones who fight the hardest to stop it (what else could explain the Middle East?). We are racing forward at a sickening pace, I call it accelerated evolution, but sometimes it feels more like the sickness that came from too much spinning as a child (I am going to throw up! Let's do it again!). That feeling in the pit of your stomach that tells you the roller coaster is about to start the 5G descent that you would stop if given the chance but really want to do through with. The edges are starting to blur, and the wind is starting to howl in our ears- do we shut our eyes and pray for deliverance or do we throw our hands in the air and hope the camera catches us screaming with joy at the scariest part?
Do we close our fists or hold them open in welcome to this brave, new world?
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Not Face to Face(book)
Just the other day, I was finally convinced to join Facebook. My friend tempted me with embarrassing pictures from high school that she refused to show me unless I joined up. Anyone who knows me knows I am a sucker for this kind of thing. The prospect of seeing just how skinny I was comes in a distant second to wanting to know who in the world would have a picture of me? I don't remember people taking pictures of me, I wasn't the kind of person you took pictures of, whatever that kind of person was. It isn't until quite recently that pictures of me have become common place (and quite frankly, I take most of them myself).
I am utterly confounded by Facebook.
All of those people from the past suddenly at my fingertips. What does one say to all of them? Through this journey of mine I have discovered that I have very little to say. To now have to come up with something to say to so many people is daunting. We haven't seen one another in years and in some cases, decades, but that does not mean there are decades of things to talk about. When you reconnect with people for the first time since the Bush Sr. administration, what exactly do you lead with? There have been careers begun and ended, new careers embarked upon, returns to college, marriages, divorces, children, illnesses... it is a lot to cover with one person, let alone an internet full of them! When does it become too much information and too large an audience? Too interactive?
I started to think about this blog. Is this too much? Most likely not as I suspect I am the only one reading it at this point (feel free to prove me wrong on that!). There is no limit to what I can write here, no editor other than the inner one. I only have to say something once and as many people as deign to stop here can read it without any more energy output from me. One person can ask me a question, and all the others can read my response. I can flush out an idea and explore it fully, without interruption, whereas on Facebook, everything seems to come in fragments of speech and interrupted thoughts interjected at random intervals. It takes a lot of concentration to see past the icons and declarations of 'friendship' and invitations to take quizzes about 'What Kind of Woman Are You' (apparently I am kind and compassionate but allow others to stomp on my feelings, uhm, yeah.).
All of this leads me to wonder what inter- relating to people is coming to mean? People tell me about how easy it is to keep up with people by logging on to social networking websites, but how much are we really experiencing? Who puts up truthful, multidimensional, fully realized information about themselves on a website? We edit what people see by only posting the 'good' picture. Who really talks about the hideous argument they got into with their spouse and instead gloss over it by posting about this weekend's cocktail party? Who has a cup of sugar on the internet? There are no pictures of my heinous stretch marks out there!
I keep walking away from Facebook, puzzled and somewhat lost, even though it is populated by many, many dozens of people I know. My 'conversations' with them, feel hollow and without the vitality of our face to face interactions. More like relationships with word blips than the individuals who wrote them.
Perhaps I am simply outdated. Will I ever feel comfortable in this medium?
I am utterly confounded by Facebook.
All of those people from the past suddenly at my fingertips. What does one say to all of them? Through this journey of mine I have discovered that I have very little to say. To now have to come up with something to say to so many people is daunting. We haven't seen one another in years and in some cases, decades, but that does not mean there are decades of things to talk about. When you reconnect with people for the first time since the Bush Sr. administration, what exactly do you lead with? There have been careers begun and ended, new careers embarked upon, returns to college, marriages, divorces, children, illnesses... it is a lot to cover with one person, let alone an internet full of them! When does it become too much information and too large an audience? Too interactive?
I started to think about this blog. Is this too much? Most likely not as I suspect I am the only one reading it at this point (feel free to prove me wrong on that!). There is no limit to what I can write here, no editor other than the inner one. I only have to say something once and as many people as deign to stop here can read it without any more energy output from me. One person can ask me a question, and all the others can read my response. I can flush out an idea and explore it fully, without interruption, whereas on Facebook, everything seems to come in fragments of speech and interrupted thoughts interjected at random intervals. It takes a lot of concentration to see past the icons and declarations of 'friendship' and invitations to take quizzes about 'What Kind of Woman Are You' (apparently I am kind and compassionate but allow others to stomp on my feelings, uhm, yeah.).
All of this leads me to wonder what inter- relating to people is coming to mean? People tell me about how easy it is to keep up with people by logging on to social networking websites, but how much are we really experiencing? Who puts up truthful, multidimensional, fully realized information about themselves on a website? We edit what people see by only posting the 'good' picture. Who really talks about the hideous argument they got into with their spouse and instead gloss over it by posting about this weekend's cocktail party? Who has a cup of sugar on the internet? There are no pictures of my heinous stretch marks out there!
I keep walking away from Facebook, puzzled and somewhat lost, even though it is populated by many, many dozens of people I know. My 'conversations' with them, feel hollow and without the vitality of our face to face interactions. More like relationships with word blips than the individuals who wrote them.
Perhaps I am simply outdated. Will I ever feel comfortable in this medium?
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