I find regular old Buddhism to be more than challenging enough : )
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Focus Required
Life is complicated. The essence of life is not, but the act of living certainly is. No matter how much we "simplify", no matter how much we "unclutter" the simple act of living becomes a complicated affair that never seems to resolve its self in a consistently pleasing manner. Somehow, just making sure that the kids get to the dentist at least once in the year and making dinner everyday and paying the bills and avoiding another parking ticket and finding a job and learning how to adapt to a new life while trying to get another new life going.... means that much slips by without being noticed.
Tonight, I was all wound up in my own head on my way to pick up the youngest beast from preschool. There seem to be so many things to get wound up about right now. Because I had a bunch of things to do at home, I decided to drive to cut down on commute time, and most likely on a subconscious level, so that I could let my head spin around like a top (I can't do that on my bicycle. The slow pace and total sensory involvement are wonderful for calming the mind). As I drove, I noticed that all the other drivers I could see looked like they were in the same position I was in- distracted, anxious, frustrated, mildly overwhelmed. This, of course, started my already mildly frantic monkey mind to jump on the the tangent of the state of the world and how challenged we all are to just get through the day.
As I drove over the crest of 28th Ave I had to look to the left before I entered the intersection, and there was the most beautiful sunset. The ocean was dusky with simply amazing swirls of purple in the shadow of the swells. The haze from the crashing waves was rose pink and blue. The clouds trailed across the sky in swathes of colour and depth, the kind of clouds you want to sleep on.
I turned the car around so I could just watch it all. As I sat there, I came to realize there was an owl in the tree across the street. The bird was hidden from me, but I could hear it. Listening made me wonder if the owl was talking about the amazing view we had in front of us.
In the distance, there was a small fishing boat heading back toward the Golden Gate Bridge. Back to dock, home. I always feel close to the image of the lone, small boat on the sea. They always seem so beautiful and full of the potential to teach something.
I watched the sky change and the water crash. I listened to the owl in the tree. I stopped spinning. No matter what crashes around me or what sinister twist I put on any situation, there is always a miraculous sky over the vast sea that is unaffected by my petty dramas and anxieties. There is forever at my side a manifestation of truth. I am only part of a greater whole which exists with or without me.
The only question left is whether I am willing to let that be enough?
Tonight, I was all wound up in my own head on my way to pick up the youngest beast from preschool. There seem to be so many things to get wound up about right now. Because I had a bunch of things to do at home, I decided to drive to cut down on commute time, and most likely on a subconscious level, so that I could let my head spin around like a top (I can't do that on my bicycle. The slow pace and total sensory involvement are wonderful for calming the mind). As I drove, I noticed that all the other drivers I could see looked like they were in the same position I was in- distracted, anxious, frustrated, mildly overwhelmed. This, of course, started my already mildly frantic monkey mind to jump on the the tangent of the state of the world and how challenged we all are to just get through the day.
As I drove over the crest of 28th Ave I had to look to the left before I entered the intersection, and there was the most beautiful sunset. The ocean was dusky with simply amazing swirls of purple in the shadow of the swells. The haze from the crashing waves was rose pink and blue. The clouds trailed across the sky in swathes of colour and depth, the kind of clouds you want to sleep on.
I turned the car around so I could just watch it all. As I sat there, I came to realize there was an owl in the tree across the street. The bird was hidden from me, but I could hear it. Listening made me wonder if the owl was talking about the amazing view we had in front of us.
In the distance, there was a small fishing boat heading back toward the Golden Gate Bridge. Back to dock, home. I always feel close to the image of the lone, small boat on the sea. They always seem so beautiful and full of the potential to teach something.
I watched the sky change and the water crash. I listened to the owl in the tree. I stopped spinning. No matter what crashes around me or what sinister twist I put on any situation, there is always a miraculous sky over the vast sea that is unaffected by my petty dramas and anxieties. There is forever at my side a manifestation of truth. I am only part of a greater whole which exists with or without me.
The only question left is whether I am willing to let that be enough?
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Death Throws
"Go not gently into that dark night", said Dylan Thomas. He was speaking of his own death, but I think it applies to the age in which we live.
The 'Old' is dying a difficult, messy, loud death. The 'Old' is taking the line "Rage, rage against the dying of the light" very much to heart.
It is all around us- Somalia, Sudan, Congo, Palestine, Israel, Iran , Iraq, Afghanistan, Georgia, Russia, Wall Street, Main Street. Everything we have known has taken a different turn and the consequences are in the headlines daily. Pirates, crooks, wars, bombings, fundamentalists, conservatism, bank failures, ponzi schemes, water shortages... sounds like it is time for the militias, doesn't it?
These are the death throws of the Old World. Just like a small child who is presented with too much change in too short a period of time will throw a tantrum, the world is screaming and stomping and raging.
I started thinking about this today, not because of horrific headlines in the news, but because of an online discussion about the changes coming to my neighborhood. My neighborhood has changed mightily since it exploded on to the scene as a place to provide emergency housing following the 1906 Earthquake. We have way more people and cars and poorly planned space than anyone could have imagined 50 years ago. In response, it has become time to change the way we drive, park our cars, build our homes, and encourage business to come to our little corner of San Francisco. Many who live here, want things to change so that there can be more room for children to play and people to walk and bikes to ride, but there are many who view change as personally threatening. They are usually quite loud about their fear. That noise can frequently slow progress.
There are three really hot button topics here. Bicycle lanes, dogs and freeway access. Any of these can cause hours of nonproductive mud slinging. Decades ago, San Francisco had a plan for freeways that circled the city. In theory, they would keep car traffic off the streets and give access to all corners of our difficult to negotiate city. No one was ever really able to say if it was a good plan or not- construction was never finished and the 1989 Loma Prieta Earthquake damaged most of it beyond repair. As a result, several streets in SF were then designated to be the arterials between the 4 compass points, and my street is one of those. At the time I doubt the powers that be gave much thought to the impact that turning these streets into highways would be on the people who lived there. Now, the residents of these places are starting to fight back, and those who have reaped the rewards of these outdated plans are complaining loudly. The ideas of slowing traffic, redirecting flow, and providing multimodal space for buses, bikes, cars and pedestrians is too much for some people. Many fight the increase in housing that needs to occur on the basis that there is not enough parking for them! One argument about improving pedestrian safety outside the local Junior College is that it would slow people down on their way to the freeway.
I am fascinated by fear of change. This is not something I am generally plagued by. Sure, I get nervous about things that come at me, from time to time, I am a regular everyday person, after all. The kind of fear I am talking about here, is the kind that keeps humans from moving on with having a better life. There is something about change that brings us forward that terrifies people. Conversely, many seem really happy with the kind of change that makes us less human and more robot (the Patriot Acts come to mind). My theory is that this all has to do with the illusion of control and our desire to keep the planets moving in the orbits we set for them.
What do you think? Why do we block change? Do we gain anything by it?
The 'Old' is dying a difficult, messy, loud death. The 'Old' is taking the line "Rage, rage against the dying of the light" very much to heart.
It is all around us- Somalia, Sudan, Congo, Palestine, Israel, Iran , Iraq, Afghanistan, Georgia, Russia, Wall Street, Main Street. Everything we have known has taken a different turn and the consequences are in the headlines daily. Pirates, crooks, wars, bombings, fundamentalists, conservatism, bank failures, ponzi schemes, water shortages... sounds like it is time for the militias, doesn't it?
These are the death throws of the Old World. Just like a small child who is presented with too much change in too short a period of time will throw a tantrum, the world is screaming and stomping and raging.
I started thinking about this today, not because of horrific headlines in the news, but because of an online discussion about the changes coming to my neighborhood. My neighborhood has changed mightily since it exploded on to the scene as a place to provide emergency housing following the 1906 Earthquake. We have way more people and cars and poorly planned space than anyone could have imagined 50 years ago. In response, it has become time to change the way we drive, park our cars, build our homes, and encourage business to come to our little corner of San Francisco. Many who live here, want things to change so that there can be more room for children to play and people to walk and bikes to ride, but there are many who view change as personally threatening. They are usually quite loud about their fear. That noise can frequently slow progress.
There are three really hot button topics here. Bicycle lanes, dogs and freeway access. Any of these can cause hours of nonproductive mud slinging. Decades ago, San Francisco had a plan for freeways that circled the city. In theory, they would keep car traffic off the streets and give access to all corners of our difficult to negotiate city. No one was ever really able to say if it was a good plan or not- construction was never finished and the 1989 Loma Prieta Earthquake damaged most of it beyond repair. As a result, several streets in SF were then designated to be the arterials between the 4 compass points, and my street is one of those. At the time I doubt the powers that be gave much thought to the impact that turning these streets into highways would be on the people who lived there. Now, the residents of these places are starting to fight back, and those who have reaped the rewards of these outdated plans are complaining loudly. The ideas of slowing traffic, redirecting flow, and providing multimodal space for buses, bikes, cars and pedestrians is too much for some people. Many fight the increase in housing that needs to occur on the basis that there is not enough parking for them! One argument about improving pedestrian safety outside the local Junior College is that it would slow people down on their way to the freeway.
I am fascinated by fear of change. This is not something I am generally plagued by. Sure, I get nervous about things that come at me, from time to time, I am a regular everyday person, after all. The kind of fear I am talking about here, is the kind that keeps humans from moving on with having a better life. There is something about change that brings us forward that terrifies people. Conversely, many seem really happy with the kind of change that makes us less human and more robot (the Patriot Acts come to mind). My theory is that this all has to do with the illusion of control and our desire to keep the planets moving in the orbits we set for them.
What do you think? Why do we block change? Do we gain anything by it?
Monday, September 21, 2009
Gone, But Not Forgotten
Hello, all! I am still here, I think. Finding something to write about when your ideas won't gel makes for an exercise in futility. Alas, the curse of the monkey mind! One day, maybe, I will find my monkey has decided to settle down for a banana for a few moments.
This weekend, I had the opportunity to do something I have wanted to do for a long while- I was able to hear Thich Nhat Hanh speak in person. Despite the fact that I do not consider myself to be a Zen Buddhist, I do consider Thay to be my primary spiritual teacher. Some would say he is my Guru, but I do not feel comfortable with that title. Growing up in San Francisco in the 70's has given me a significant bias away from "guru".
Much was said during his hour and a half on stage. Not all of it made it into my head (I was happy to hear there were others who had trouble staying focused). I kept getting frustrated with myself for not being able to maintain a reasonable attention span. After all, this man is 83 years old and will not be giving this kind of public class for much longer. But, there it is. Monkey brain.
The title of the talk was "Our True Agenda". I will admit that I am a bit lost as to how the title related to the talk, but it may come to me later. The two things that did stick with me, though, were this-
Compassionate listening- Until we can learn to listen with compassion, without judgment, with open hearts and empty minds, we can not end the suffering around us, or more truthfully, our own suffering. As he spoke about listening to others without preconceptions or agendas, I felt his words hit home, deeply.
I am not a compassionate listener. I am a clinical listener. That is what I am trained for. I have spent the last 12 years listening to more people than I can remember. When someone tells me something, I automatically listen for "the clue". The clue to whatever it is that ails them, and I use that information to try to formulate a solution. My listening skills have been honed to be a problem solver, and while it is a useful skill for diagnosing illness and injury, it is not always good for simply being a listening, supportive presence.
The judgmental aspect of my personality is not one that makes me terribly happy. Why would it? Being challenged to not only empathize, but to accept, other people's points of view is an uncomfortable place for me. Where is the need for a solution? How do I fit myself in this?
Of course, that is the point- to not fit myself into the situation and simply be a compassionate, supportive presence for whoever needs it. This will take some time.
Stop so that you can arrive- We spend our days speeding through life. There is always a goal to attain, there is always a deadline. Everyday, the world around us presents us with more information than we could ever hope to digest and instead of taking just what we need and moving on, we try to shovel it all down our throats and then hope we don't throw it all back up.
As I drove home from the talk, I kept missing my exits on the freeway because of my lack of attention. I kept having to double back to get back on track, and I am quite sure I added at least 20 minutes to my drive. No matter what I tried, I could not keep my mind clear- ironically, my head was cluttered up with what I had heard Thay tell us and couldn't keep my mind on the route. Without attention to my task, I was never going to arrive home. I had to slow my mind down so I could get in the moment, arrive in the moment, so that I could arrive home.
How often does this happen to us? How often do we let life get away from us and accept that we have not arrived anywhere other than the same old tired thoughts we always have? Why do I accept the rut that I frequently find myself in?
Time to stop. So I can arrive.
One last shot of Thich Nhat Hanh, before I go. Until next time!
This weekend, I had the opportunity to do something I have wanted to do for a long while- I was able to hear Thich Nhat Hanh speak in person. Despite the fact that I do not consider myself to be a Zen Buddhist, I do consider Thay to be my primary spiritual teacher. Some would say he is my Guru, but I do not feel comfortable with that title. Growing up in San Francisco in the 70's has given me a significant bias away from "guru".
Much was said during his hour and a half on stage. Not all of it made it into my head (I was happy to hear there were others who had trouble staying focused). I kept getting frustrated with myself for not being able to maintain a reasonable attention span. After all, this man is 83 years old and will not be giving this kind of public class for much longer. But, there it is. Monkey brain.
The title of the talk was "Our True Agenda". I will admit that I am a bit lost as to how the title related to the talk, but it may come to me later. The two things that did stick with me, though, were this-
Compassionate listening- Until we can learn to listen with compassion, without judgment, with open hearts and empty minds, we can not end the suffering around us, or more truthfully, our own suffering. As he spoke about listening to others without preconceptions or agendas, I felt his words hit home, deeply.
I am not a compassionate listener. I am a clinical listener. That is what I am trained for. I have spent the last 12 years listening to more people than I can remember. When someone tells me something, I automatically listen for "the clue". The clue to whatever it is that ails them, and I use that information to try to formulate a solution. My listening skills have been honed to be a problem solver, and while it is a useful skill for diagnosing illness and injury, it is not always good for simply being a listening, supportive presence.
The judgmental aspect of my personality is not one that makes me terribly happy. Why would it? Being challenged to not only empathize, but to accept, other people's points of view is an uncomfortable place for me. Where is the need for a solution? How do I fit myself in this?
Of course, that is the point- to not fit myself into the situation and simply be a compassionate, supportive presence for whoever needs it. This will take some time.
Stop so that you can arrive- We spend our days speeding through life. There is always a goal to attain, there is always a deadline. Everyday, the world around us presents us with more information than we could ever hope to digest and instead of taking just what we need and moving on, we try to shovel it all down our throats and then hope we don't throw it all back up.
As I drove home from the talk, I kept missing my exits on the freeway because of my lack of attention. I kept having to double back to get back on track, and I am quite sure I added at least 20 minutes to my drive. No matter what I tried, I could not keep my mind clear- ironically, my head was cluttered up with what I had heard Thay tell us and couldn't keep my mind on the route. Without attention to my task, I was never going to arrive home. I had to slow my mind down so I could get in the moment, arrive in the moment, so that I could arrive home.
How often does this happen to us? How often do we let life get away from us and accept that we have not arrived anywhere other than the same old tired thoughts we always have? Why do I accept the rut that I frequently find myself in?
Time to stop. So I can arrive.
One last shot of Thich Nhat Hanh, before I go. Until next time!
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Same Same
Which is which? It is all there, in each element. Can you see it? Thich Nhat Hanh, the brilliant Buddhist monk from Viet Nam, teaches wonderfully about how if you look at something deeply, you can see the whole world in it- the sunlight in the leaves, the river water from Argentina in the clouds, the tree in the blue of the sky... it is all the same, we just entertain ourselves by seeing it all differently. Sometimes I try to find me in the tree, sometimes, the tree in me- all the same.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Take A Load Off Sally
Blurry
Funny how that happens. We carry so much around and never really know it, I suspect because it builds over time in small increments. Interactions with the world seem a bit like an air conditioner filtre- the more you use it, the more dust and detritus builds up. We never think twice of cleaning the filtres, we even put them on a schedule and the guy from Sears comes out and changes them. Why don't we do the same thing for our selves?
Meditation. I know. You are saying, "Adrienne. Meditation is the answer! Why do you fight this?" I don't. Truly. I meditate enough to know I need to do it more and that I need to go more deeply into it when I do. Lately, I have started to wonder if it isn't time for a retreat?
Of course, as soon as I say "retreat", I begin to do just that! The little thoughts that start the questioning that trigger the avalanche of doubt- How do I get time to do this?, What if I end up sick like I do every time I try to go more deeply?, Who will come out the other end of it?... While you are not supposed to embark on this kind of thing without some kind of intention, I sometimes think there has to be an element of faith that it will be OK so that you can just jump in.
Perhaps in living with intent and consciousness, we have to be conscious of just getting on with it. Could it be that living with the simple intent of just plunging in is enough? Knowing that we know nothing seems like it should be enough for getting on with. There is no way to see what will happen if indeed I do just strip away the layers, and there is no way to do anything other than just plunge in.
More to come.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Alien Encounters
This weekend, I experienced something utterly alien to me to this point in my life- the ego as a super entity. I have met many people who are completely controlled by their egos, but this was the first time I have encountered someone, face to face, whose ego had actually outgrown the building we were in.
On returning home from a wonderful time at the beach with the kids, we arrived in the driveway to my next door neighbor sitting in his car with a woman I had never seen before. Once we got out of the car, my neighbor came over to us asking to speak in private. This was odd, as we talk all the time (he gave us our Ali cat). It turned out the woman in the car was one of the residents of the apartment building our friend lives in, adjacent to our building. He told us that she had come to him looking for help after having been quite severely beaten by her boyfriend. To make matters worse, the boyfriend was sitting in a car just up the street, waiting for her to make an appearance. My friend felt overwhelmed and needed backup. I told him to go back to his car and tell this woman she needed to go inside and call the police.
Over the years, I have learned to stay the hell out of domestic issues unless there is no way out. They are messy and convoluted and have no end in sight, primarily because those involved have not yet decided that now is the time to end it. After my neighbor went to the car to tell the woman to call the police, and various other tedious events, I got to see this woman. She was really a child- 19, a foreign student at the local college, living alone in an apartment for the first time in her life in a country whose language and customs are not her own. Her ears were bruised and swollen, her nose and eyes were blackened, her lower lip was cut internally and her right foot had been stomped on and had bruises in the shape of her attacker's shoe. This was not a walk away situation.
I will spare you the details. The gist of it is, I spent an hour with this girl as she repeatedly became hysterical and out of control at the thought of calling the police. "He is sorry!", "He is a good person!", "I love him!"... all of the usual things that come from these sad situations. What was so striking about this was that there was so little of 'her'. Everything we experienced of her, from her voice to the posture of her standing, was an ego so destructive, so insane and twisted and in control, so huge it took over all the breathing space in the entire building. Every single person in the building was held hostage to her screams and tantrums and pleading. I could feel everyone holding their collective breath, waiting to exhale.
Ultimately, we called the police despite her protests. It was so obvious that she was utterly out of control and that this had turned into a situation that could not be dealt with in any other way. It no longer mattered if she would loose trust in all of the people involved, her ego was twisting her in knots and was now reaching out to infect everyone around- one minute lashing out in anger and indignation, the next clinging to us begging us to understand and help.
Today, I took refuge in my labyrinth walk. I used my time to meditate on acceptance and to simply rid myself of the dreadful, heavy, desperate, violent energy she had left on all of us. In that time, I knew there was nothing to do but wait for this horrid story to play out. Most likely with this girl in the hospital, because her ego will keep her from leaving- it will plant stories of self-loathing and fear and destruction until there is nothing but walls of cold, slimy terror around her, and hopefully, everyone she touches.
How many people go through this everyday? How many people do they drag into their circle of loathing and distortion? How much of this world's dysfunction is due to these out of control egos and their viral replication?
Perhaps instead of running to the store for Tamiflu, we should all be running to the Ashram for some meditation instruction!
On returning home from a wonderful time at the beach with the kids, we arrived in the driveway to my next door neighbor sitting in his car with a woman I had never seen before. Once we got out of the car, my neighbor came over to us asking to speak in private. This was odd, as we talk all the time (he gave us our Ali cat). It turned out the woman in the car was one of the residents of the apartment building our friend lives in, adjacent to our building. He told us that she had come to him looking for help after having been quite severely beaten by her boyfriend. To make matters worse, the boyfriend was sitting in a car just up the street, waiting for her to make an appearance. My friend felt overwhelmed and needed backup. I told him to go back to his car and tell this woman she needed to go inside and call the police.
Over the years, I have learned to stay the hell out of domestic issues unless there is no way out. They are messy and convoluted and have no end in sight, primarily because those involved have not yet decided that now is the time to end it. After my neighbor went to the car to tell the woman to call the police, and various other tedious events, I got to see this woman. She was really a child- 19, a foreign student at the local college, living alone in an apartment for the first time in her life in a country whose language and customs are not her own. Her ears were bruised and swollen, her nose and eyes were blackened, her lower lip was cut internally and her right foot had been stomped on and had bruises in the shape of her attacker's shoe. This was not a walk away situation.
I will spare you the details. The gist of it is, I spent an hour with this girl as she repeatedly became hysterical and out of control at the thought of calling the police. "He is sorry!", "He is a good person!", "I love him!"... all of the usual things that come from these sad situations. What was so striking about this was that there was so little of 'her'. Everything we experienced of her, from her voice to the posture of her standing, was an ego so destructive, so insane and twisted and in control, so huge it took over all the breathing space in the entire building. Every single person in the building was held hostage to her screams and tantrums and pleading. I could feel everyone holding their collective breath, waiting to exhale.
Ultimately, we called the police despite her protests. It was so obvious that she was utterly out of control and that this had turned into a situation that could not be dealt with in any other way. It no longer mattered if she would loose trust in all of the people involved, her ego was twisting her in knots and was now reaching out to infect everyone around- one minute lashing out in anger and indignation, the next clinging to us begging us to understand and help.
Today, I took refuge in my labyrinth walk. I used my time to meditate on acceptance and to simply rid myself of the dreadful, heavy, desperate, violent energy she had left on all of us. In that time, I knew there was nothing to do but wait for this horrid story to play out. Most likely with this girl in the hospital, because her ego will keep her from leaving- it will plant stories of self-loathing and fear and destruction until there is nothing but walls of cold, slimy terror around her, and hopefully, everyone she touches.
How many people go through this everyday? How many people do they drag into their circle of loathing and distortion? How much of this world's dysfunction is due to these out of control egos and their viral replication?
Perhaps instead of running to the store for Tamiflu, we should all be running to the Ashram for some meditation instruction!
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