Back To Basics

Well, now that I have properly compartmentalized my blogging life, it is time to get back to the business of the soul (although I think it is all the same). Here we go!

Things have been crazy, lately! Since being layed off, my life has become very, very busy. As it turns out, having time to find yourself can be terribly tiring. I shouldn't be surprised that things like meditation get shoved to the back burner, and they do. Daily.

Meditation has been problematic for me. Early on I learned that I can do myself a lot of damage by just jumping in and hoping for the best. While I can not say I have made it a priority, I have looked for a teacher to guide me through the perils of unfocused meditation, but none have clicked (except for one or two who are way too far away to be anything other than a loose guide). This, more than anything, is what holds me back from getting back on the cushion and digging in, 'cause I do not need to go back down that dark path again!

Until I can find someone to rope me in, I will have to get back to the labyrinth. I have not been in months and it is calling. It would be a lie to not admit that I decide this with a bit of trepidation. What will this bring up? What will I find lurking in my mind waiting to trip me up?

When did I become this pessimistic?

All That Is Old Is New Again

As you can see, I have changed the look of things around here a bit. I kept coming to the blog hoping it would become more visually appealing to me, but it didn't. Of course it was completely reasonable for me to expect it to get better on its own. Over the next while, I will experiment with a few things in hopes of becoming satisfied with the results (no acceptance of what is, here).

On a related topic, I would like to announce the next step in this journey of mine- a new blog! My bicycle adventures have taken on a life of their own and now require an outlet of their own. There are a lot of bicycle blogs out there, and many of them are wonderful, but I have an idea I want to flush out- how riding a bicycle changes your life. The bike its self is nothing more than a tool, and so I will leave the discussion of parts and geometry to others. I want to explore how the world looks and how we view it from the saddle.



My new project is being joined by a wonderful woman I met as a result of this journey- Meligrosa of Bikes and the City. We find that we have many of the same questions and a desire to find some answers. This is Meli.



So, if you have a moment, or a story to share of how your bike has brought you change, drop on by! Things are a bit rough right now, but as with all things, it will evolve and change over the next while as we find the right voice for our endeavor.

Change your life. Ride a bike!

Expansion

Just about a month ago I was layed off of my job. At first, I was a bit taken aback by the whole thing.

I had worked in my company for 10 years and was an integral part of my department. Through years of work, I had created a reputation I could be proud of- a reputation for hard work and dedication to patients that others had written off. Decisions made at a corporate level are what ended my time there, and while it is nice to know it wasn't personal, it is strange to be removed from my livelihood from a remote location.
Either way, with the lay off has come a wonderful surprise- I have time to live! So much of our time is taken up doing the work that keeps business going, that sometimes we forget (or choose not to see) how much of ourselves are taken away by the simple act of working. Even though I enjoyed my job immensely and was good at it, it took something from me- my energy and time. With that gone, the Universe is starting to show me the possibilities that await me, and some of these possibilities are things I never dreamed of.


As anyone who has read this blog or seen my Flickr page knows, I ride my bike everywhere these days. There have been many, many changes to my life as a result of this (more on that at a later date), not the least of which is discovering the many wonderful blogs out there that write exclusively about bikes and cycling in its many forms. Through these blogs, I have participated in many wonderful and thought provoking conversations with people from all over the world. Through those conversations I have come to try things I would never have tried before, and spoken to people I would never have met.

Just the other day, I received an invitation to be a regular contributor to one of the SF local bicycle blogs I frequent, Vélo Vogue. Needless to say, I jumped on the opportunity! The honor of being asked is huge, but the opportunity to write and shoot about something that has become such an integral part of my spiritual journey to an audience around the world is something that could never have happened before I was layed off. There was no time to devote to truly pursuing this path, I could ride but not write. There are only so many hours in the day, and they are usually all spoken for.

After months of wondering how to make my life look more like what my 'self' feels like, I now have the opportunity to act on it. Had I sat down and tried to map out how my life should look, I am not sure that this is what I would have pictured, and yet, it is exactly what I needed. What an amazing blessing! I would be a fool to not follow through.

Soooo, if you would like to see where the bicycle part of my journey is taking me, or where a bicycle could take you, please follow along. If you can, find some time that is just for you and ask the Universe to send you something that you can work on to create a world that looks like what it should feel like to you. You never know what will get sent your way!

Not On My Watch

We All Have A Cross To Bear
Originally uploaded by busbozo

"Go not gently into that dark night", said Dylan Thomas. He was speaking of his own death, but I think it applies to the age in which we live.

The 'Old' is dying a difficult, messy, loud death. The 'Old' is taking the line "Rage, rage against the dying of the light" very much to heart.

It is all around us- Somalia, Sudan, Congo, Palestine, Israel, Iran , Iraq, Afghanistan, Georgia, Russia, Wall Street, Main Street. Everything we have known has taken a different turn and the consequences are in the headlines daily. Pirates, crooks, wars, bombings, fundamentalists, conservatism, bank failures,ponzi schemes, water shortages... sounds like it is time for the militias, doesn't it?

These are the death throws of the Old World. Just like a small child who is presented with too much change in too short a period of time will throw a tantrum, the world is screaming and stomping and raging.

I started thinking about this today, not because of horrific headlines in the news, but because of an online discussion about the changes coming to my neighborhood. My neighborhood has changed mightily since it exploded on to the scene as a place to provide emergency housing following the 1906 Earthquake. We have way more people and cars and poorly planned space than anyone could have imagined 50 years ago. In response, it has become time to change the way we drive, park our cars, build our homes, and encourage business to come to our little corner of San Francisco. Many who live here, want things to change so that there can be more room for children to play and people to walk and bikes to ride, but there are many who view change as personally threatening. They are usually quite loud about their fear. That noise can frequently slow progress.

There are three really hot button topics here. Bicycle lanes, dogs and freeway access. Any of these can cause hours of nonproductive mud slinging. Decades ago, San Francisco had a plan for freeways that circled the city. In theory, they would keep car traffic off the streets and give access to all corners of our difficult to negotiate city. No one was ever really able to say if it was a good plan or not- construction was never finished and the 1989Loma Prieta Earthquake damaged most of it beyond repair. As a result, several streets in SF were then designated to be the arterials between the 4 compass points, and my street is one of those. At the time I doubt the powers that be gave much thought to the impact that turning these streets into highways would be on the people who lived there. Now, the residents of these places are starting to fight back, and those who have reaped the rewards of these outdated plans are complaining loudly. The ideas of slowing traffic, redirecting flow, and providing multi modal space for buses, bikes, cars and pedestrians is too much for some people. Many fight the increase in housing that needs to occur on the basis that there is not enough parking for them! One argument about improving pedestrian safety outside the local Junior College is that it would slow people down on their way to the freeway.

I am fascinated by fear of change. This is not something I am generally plagued by. Sure, I get nervous about things that come at me, from time to time, I am a regular everyday person, after all. The kind of fear I am talking about here, is the kind that keeps humans from moving on with having a better life. There is something about change that brings us forward that terrifies people. Conversely, many seem really happy with the kind of change that makes us less human and more robot (the Patriot Acts come to mind). My theory is that this all has to do with the illusion of control and our desire to keep the planets moving in the orbits we set for them.

What do you think? Why do we block change? Do we gain anything by it?

Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain

(35/365) There Were Decisions To Be Made
Originally uploaded by busbozo

Since I started the more formal leg of my spiritual journey, I have heard the term 'mental construct' a lot. Many groups use this teaching- Sufi, Buddhist... it is used to describe just about all of life, from what I can see. Many teachings point to the 'illusion' that we interpret as life- that there is no difference between a tree a light bulb a person because all are different manifestations of energy (which is what it is).

Sometimes this is a comforting thought. There are times when feeling a strong and direct connection to everything around me is very centering . These beliefs allow me to stay focused in times and situations that are chaotic and stressful. If all around me is joined in this manner then my unpleasant moment will pass to something better to keep the balance that all of nature, all energy requires to be stable (to get really complicated, I suppose this could be a good explanation for impermanence- what I have must change in order to keep balance for all).

Were I to say that I spend all of my time in this thought state, I would be telling one whopper of a lie. Quite frankly, if I can remember this once a week I am doing pretty well. Most of the time I am nicely wrapped up in thoughts of how my own little packet of Universal energy is plodding through life. For now, I find that my exploration into the inner workings of the spiritual universe are most successfully undertaken by looking into my little part of it- me (which, by the by, is why I think we have physical forms- so that we can explore through them).

Since the beginning of the year I have started many projects. All of them were begun for various reasons, most quite mundane, and almost all of them have ended up becoming integral parts of this exploration. Changing my diet to almost completely local food, riding my bike instead of my car, working less to be at home more, writing... have all become indispensable aspects of this journey. I have become highly unattracted to processed food, not because of its deleterious effects on my health, anywhere near as much because you can taste that it has no soul. Not driving my car puts me in a place where I have to rely on my physicality and spirit to get me where I am going (oil use reduction is a pretty good perk, though). Writing this blog forces me to focus my thoughts, which is good because I have serious monkey brain and it can get in the way.

The one thing I do these days that brings me down the road to 'enlightenment', is photography. Aside from the fact that taking pictures of things gives you a different perspective on them, I am learning that taking pictures of myself can open up the way I 'see' me. Starting on New Year's Day, I began a '365 Days Project' in which I have to take a picture of myself, every day, for a year. I had heard of and seen other people's projects before, but my decision to embark on a project myself was very spontaneous and unplanned. I am now on Day 91, which is about 85 days longer than I thought I would get. What I have shot and what I have seen have been very surprising and disarming. Many feelings I have harboured on a number of subjects have become subject to tremendous change or outright rejection. Mostly, I have found a sense of peace with my physical being that I have not had for quite a long time. There are fewer 'flaws' to see and more life and personality. I find way less to find fault with, and more to be happy about- all because I am taking pictures of myself, which is way cheaper than therapy!

Sometimes that old voice nags at me about some silly aspect of myself- too many stretch marks, skin that is starting to look like is almost 40... The voice of 'the man behind the curtain', that silly ego that wants to cause unhappiness to keep its self busy. Ignore him, go mug for the camera!

My 365 pictures

Just Like Riding A Bike

Traffic Can Be Fun
Originally uploaded by busbozo

Today was 'Bike Rodeo' day at my daughter's elementary school. The YMCA brought out a ton of bikes and helmets for the kids to ride, and spent a couple of hours teaching the kids riding skills they can use on the streets- looking over your shoulder without swerving, sudden stops, right of way... Overall, perhaps one of the more potentially useful lessons these kids will learn this week. I was so happy to see them learning something practical and basic, something kids learned just by being on the block when I was a kid.

Despite my joy at seeing the kids riding around, there were more than a few moments in the morning where the kids were being fed fear rather than knowledge. Right at the beginning, the helmets went on. While I do not wear a helmet (please don't write me to tell me I am crazy- I have my reasons and they are fine for me), I have no problem with others wearing them and insist that my children do, if for nothing else than to keep them from scraping up their faces when they stack- I do not think they will provide any protection in the case of major collisions (again, I have my opinion on this, you have yours- leave it at that). As the instructors fitted the kids with various helmets, I heard one of them telling the kids "this helmet will save your life". Not 'could save your life' or 'will keep you from scraping your face if you fall'- the kids were told, with absolute conviction, that their lives would absolutely be saved. By implication, the instructors sounded as though they knew that today would be the day that death came to visit my daughter's class and that these plastic buckets would fend off the scythe of the Grim Reaper.



So right off the bat, the kids are being conditioned to accept other people limiting their choices and ability to reason through situations by instilling fear as the basis for decision making. As my presence in this class was to take pictures of the kids learning how to ride, I was not in a position to say anything about it, nor was it an appropriate forum for that discussion. But it got me to thinking about how often our kids are controlled by fear, mostly because the adults are all living in fear. Fear of pedophiles and trans fats and lead paint and underachievement and delayed speech and public schools... have turned parents and teachers into peddlers of fear and anxiety. Children who are never allowed out of eyeshot of an adult grow up to be teenagers who can not be off the electronic leash of phones and computers with everyone they know for fear of not being connected to everything at all times.

The worst part is we have marketed this as cool. Fear of the world has become fashionable! Instead of facing our demons we have made them the fodder for talk shows, the basis of indoor play spaces with monitors at the ready with antibacterial wipes, the warning label on matchboxes telling us the contents are flammable. We have made being weak and frightened the epitome of 'fitting in'. We have allowed something as simple and basic as riding a childhood bike to become an activity that calls into question our parenting if we do something as radical as let kids just get on with it and have fun.

How do we turn back the clock on this? Is there a way to teach others the joy of simply allowing the moment to be what it is without catastrophizing it? To 'go with the flow', so to speak. Can we stop this before we paralyze our children's future, a future where they will need to be creative and fearless and brazen on a level most of us have never known? My goodness, I hope so, because we have fallen off and we need to get back on the bike of life without fear for the sake of our kids and ourselves.

A River Runs Through Us

It has come to my attention that perhaps I should write more often. I always have great ideas at just the point that I have no time! Which on some cosmic level probably means something profound, but in the mundane pursuit of daily life means I don't get much writing done. So, today, I will grab the bull by the keypad and get down to business.

As a result of no longer driving to work, I find I have time to read while I am on BART. Even if riding a bike did nothing else for me, the fact that it has given me back my daily reading time would be enough to keep me pedaling. This week I have been rereading "A River Runs Through It" by Norman Maclean. I would have never guessed that something so beautiful could be written about fly fishing. Nor would I guess that all of the parts of life could be encompassed in such a simple story.

Every time you tell a story, it changes and it is the same when you read a story. Each time it takes on a different tone and you find something else in it. I find, this time, that I am paying a great deal of attention to the words and structure of the story and in doing so, discovered a passage that I had not caught in previous readings-

"But I knew a story had begun, perhaps long ago near the sound of water. And I sensed that ahead I would meet something that would never erode so there would be a sharp turn, deep circles, a deposit, and quietness."


How many times have I just known that something was about to be very different without anything else being terribly out of place? We have all felt that at one time or another- an absolute knowledge that everything is about to change, and like a river crashing through a gorge, there is no stopping it. The one thing that seems to never show in this is the magnitude of what becomes the non-eroding object that redirects the river. What chance encounter or impulse purchase or random book could be that thing that redirects the rest to come?

As I sit here looking at the events around me, it is obvious that we are all in midst of great change. Beyond that, I feel there is something else on the horizon that will redirect the river that is our life- a non-erodible object that will force us to turn and swirl and drop what came before in order to continue downstream.