39/365 (work in progress)

37/365

#5- How Do I Want To Be Different Because I Lived In This World?

It is suggested that I make a list of things I want to do while I am alive. I used to have a list of things I wanted to do- travel, go to medical school, learn to paint in France... Nowadays, I don't have much of a list. I am not sure what I want, with the exception of a few things

1) Touch a glacier. A big glacier. Preferably I would like to kayak up to a great, huge glacier and touch it.

2) I would like to travel in Italy by myself. Not the whole country, per se, but a few cities that I could spend some time in and be a part of for a brief time. I would like to be "Adrienne" in an Italian city, not "Cameron's Mom" or "James' Wife" in an Italian city.

3) Go to Graduate School and actually know something about something. No stupid Business degree, though.

I hope that by the time I die that I am a larger person than I am now. A grander person. Someone who has seen life in all its permutations and wants to see more. A person who is alive until I am dead.

35/365

#5- How Do I Want The World To Be Different Because I Lived In It?

The world is automatically different because I live in it than it would be if I had never existed. My children are my single greatest contribution to it. Beyond that, I don't know. Perhaps to live a life without regret, without contributing to the worsening of the world, in accord with my spirit and not at the whim of others. That isn't as simple as it sounds, by the way.

So much of daily life adversely impacts people we never meet. The organic cotton t-shirt we bought on sale at the cute boutique in whatever chic part of town was still most likely made in a sweatshop by someone, possibly a child, who makes fifty cents a day in Jordan. The gas that powered the truck that brought my farm fresh radishes from the farm in Marin to the Ferry Building in SF is the same gas that is killing us all as we use it all up to get to work on the other side of nowhere. The laptop I use to write this post is about to die, and even though I will try to find an e-waste company to take it, fact is it will most likely end up poisoning the water supply of a village in Ghana.

So I try to buy clothes second hand and reuse everything I can, recycle what I can not. I try to buy my food from people in California. I try not to drive. I try to make what I need, and to need less. I try to teach my children a different way, to understand that their choices impact the lives of people they will never see. I try to live a life of less impact and more conviction and joy.

Then again, I still shop at Target and I have a Costco card.

34/365

#4 Why do I like (what I like) more than I like (what I am supposed to like)?

Oh boy. There are so many things I could put in those blanks. What comes to mind right this moment is-

I like the quiet moments where the world is still a beautiful and amazing place way more than I like your IPad.

33/365

No questions. Just statements.

Hers was the call that galvanized it all. Never sit when you can stand on your own feet, never accept degradation from anyone, never be less than you are because of the actions of others. Believe, stand, hold fast, breath.

32/365

#3- Why worry?

While I can be counted on to be the Voice of Doom, I am not a worrier. At some point when I was very young I found out that worrying was not worth the energy, especially when there was a world full of worrisome crap swirling around me for most of my childhood. I knew that thinking about something endlessly would not make it happen.

"Why feel defeated?" would be a better question for me. Feeling like I am a failure, defeated, whatever word you can put in there, is where I get tripped up. It isn't the failure that I find difficult, it is the feeling of failure I need to work on.

Where do we pick this stuff up from?

31/365

# 2- Is this what I want to be doing?

This is a question I ask myself quite often, but not often enough. As a result of being somewhat rudderless and open to just about anything, I often find myself in situations where I need to ask myself if what I am doing is really what I want to be doing. Surprising thing is how often I find that the answer is no.

It has been very frequent lately that I decide to join in on an activity or go out to do something only to find when I get there that I was a great deal happier when I was quietly on my own. Every time it comes as a shock to me that I am feeling uncomfortable and that solitude is the remedy. It wouldn't be a surprise if I was asking myself question #2 a little bit more frequently.